Carpricorn The world is cloudy right now and things are not as they seem. Up is down, left is right, triangle is rhombus. It’s as if Hakeem Olajuwan decided, “Hey, I’m tall. I’m going to try out for the Debate Team.” You feel you’ve gone mad and there’s nothing you can do about it. Well, you’re right… Yep… um… that’s pretty much it… Just keep on… Keep on truckin. (Lucky Muppet – “Beaker”)

Sagittarius You’ve come to a fork in the road and you are the mashed potatoes with gravy. You are posed with two paths. One is covered with gumdrops and rainbow lollipops. The other is oozing with green sewage, has hoards of flying witches, and smells of an old man’s countryside shanty. Robert Frost says to take the road less traveled. But Robert Frost is dead. Coincidence? Nice try, Bobby. (Lucky Cartographer Term – “Compass Rose”)

Aquarius The old saying goes, “Every dog has its day.” The slightly lesser known, but still old saying goes, “Sometimes cats aren’t lame.” Former Senator Strom Thurmond’s response to this was, “My wife bought a cat. I’m old.” Newton wrote, “Cats, dogs and old people fall at the same rate, except only dropping cats or dogs is deemed funny.” PETA responded that, “We’re offended, but we laughed anyway.” (Lucky Icebreaker – “How’s my bruise looking?”)

Scorpio Beware of the man in the gray coat with brown hair behind Master Wok’s sushi bar carrying a jagged lead pipe with one of his hooks while using the other to feed egg noodles into his toothless mouth, dripping duck sauce onto his peg leg without him realizing that the wood finish on it is bleeding into the gutter. Watch out for that guy. He has pink eye. (Lucky Group of Cannibals – “The Donner Party”)

Pisces As you come into your own, you are realizing that the world needs changing. There are many things wrong with the world and you are the spray paint that this place needs. So get out those torches, call all your friends and buy a poster of John Belushi in “Animal House” because I bet no one has it yet. You’ve got the DNA to take this world and run it through a washing machine on “Delicates.” You go change the world. I’ll be sleeping in my hammock. (Lucky Number of pulps in Orange Juice – “7”)

Libra Woh woh woh, Mr. Libra. Slow down now. You’ve been moving through life faster than a rat who just discovered a crack house. Take a minute to slow down and look around you. Somebody’s been saying that you can’t hack it on the racquetball court anymore and it’s time to make them pay. In your desk, you’ll find two bags of feathers, one barrel of tar and a box of matches. Enjoy it, nice and slow. (Lucky Famous Name from History – “Cardinal Richlieu”)

Aries The game is cat and mouse and you are the two-headed Bengal Tiger holding a shotgun. You’ve commanded respect ever since you figured out that everyone in the mall can’t help but walk away when you stare at them in a trenchcoat. Now’s the time for action. Get out that printing machine and start making pamphlets of your theories of utopian happiness and a Volkswagen in every home. Five-Year Plan? Make it four. The day is yours and the peons are ripe for the plucking. (Lucky Kind of Paper – “Manila”)

Virgo Congratulations. You’re the best. I don’t need to give you advice. You should be giving me advice. If you pooped in a paper bag and titled it, “Catcher in the Rye II: Holden Caufield Strikes Back,” I would deem it a classic. Nothing can bring you down, not even a blatant steroid-use allegation. Take everyday as if it is yours because it is. (Lucky Kind of Buttress – “Flying”)

Taurus Let’s face it, life didn’t give you much to work with. You’ve gone through your fourth Emo journal and they’re all out of leather-bound ones at the bookstore. You’d probably have a better chance at getting struck by lightning through a rubber bomb shelter than finding a stray nickel. I recommend you stay indoors, put on your Rec-Specs and start selling your organs. Other people could do better with them. (Lucky Article of Clothing – “The Tube Sock”)

Leo The Bus of Time is at your corner and you’re still sucking down Belgian Waffles at the kitchen table. It’s time to get your life together. You’ve wasted too many of your days laughing at the smelly kid with the Ducktales lunch box. He stinks, move on. There is a world out there for the shoplifting. You better start going. I swear, I will get my boombox and play Phil Collins’ “Two Hearts” outside your house all day long. (Lucky Currency – “The Rubel”)

Gemini Difficulty will easily find a way into your life. Try to be easy on the difficulties that challenge you. Hard difficulties can easily make the challenges in your life more difficult. When you find yourself with your back against the wall and it seems like there’s no hope, just remember, the difficulties that challenge your life easily harden your findings. Finding difficulties will easily harden the challenge. (Lucky Pocket – “Front”)

Cancer What a great day for love, like, Oh…Oh…Oh my God! Like you’re totally in the moment, ya know? Today’s a powderpuff of fluffy, fuzzy scrumtralescence. Just let your hair down and dance the night away. Don’t let boys get you down. Just grab that big ‘ole tub of chocolate ice cream and maraschino cherries and turn on an anything with Geena Davis. YOU ARE WOMAN / MAN! (Lucky Period of Art – “Rococo”)

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