Disclaimer: This is a work of satire and thus is meant to be read for humor and enjoyment only.
As a part of Fairfield’s ongoing attempts to keep students off the beach, the administration recently announced plans for a “great wall” which will surround the campus and rival the one found in China.
“Our wall will be made of military grade concrete, twenty feet thick, fifteen feet high and reinforced with titanium alloy bars about a foot in diameter,” stated Stanley Stalin, Fairfield’s director of imprisonment, in a recent press conference. “Armed sentries will be posted 24 hours a day, and the only point of entrance will be a single gate that will take eight oxen about five minutes to open and close. We will also have seismic sensors every five feet in order to ensure no tunnels are dug underneath. It will close permanently for the night at 8 p.m., Monday through Thursday, 6 p.m., Friday and Saturday, and all day on Sundays.”
This is the latest move by Fairfield to confine its students on campus. Other initiatives include the construction of two new dorm and apartment buildings.
When asked where the money was coming from to fund this project, Stalin responded, “Parking tick–I mean … donations.”
In order to fulfill the promise of 24-hour sentries, the Department of Public Safety will increase in size by about 500% and will be outfitted with tear gas, riot shields and rubber bullets.
The construction of the wall will involve the clearing of hundreds of trees surrounding campus, but the administration hopes to sooth environmental concerns by assuring students that the high powered spotlights, which will now sweep the campus from dusk ‘til dawn, will be solar powered.
When asked for their opinions, student responses varied. One female freshman driving a brand new BMW replied, “I think it’s a great idea. It will keep all those people from Bridgeport away.”
We asked a junior who had just been denied release off-campus for his input but the person was too busy applying to other schools to answer our questions.
The “great wall” was accepted after proposals for electronic fences, minefields and a crocodile-filled moat were turned down.
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