He Said: How to throw a successful Party

Everyone knows the best part of college is the party scene, and at Fairfield, not too much is different. However, there is a major difference in throwing a sh*t show than having a casual get together. If you read my orientation issue column, you are already aware of my “B’s of college” theory, and they certainly are essential to throwing a kick ass rager. The three most important “B’s” are: buds, brews and broads. Honestly, any night with those three can be epic, but let’s take them a step further.

First and foremost, you never want to have a sausagefest. Guys, we go to a school that is known for its beautiful women, and a 3:2 ratio. If you got more p’s than v’s, there’s a good chance you like to putt from the rough. Now, pre-drunk it’s about the quality. You would much rather have dimes running around than slam pigs. However, after a few, it changes, now you want quantity over quality. I would much rather have a bunch of sixes and sevens, who are down to pound, than nines and tens that won’t put out.

The next key “B” is brews. But for the parties, we’ll change it to booze. As long as you have a couple kegs (or 30s in the townhouses) with a few coolers filled with jungle juice, you’ll be good to go. When girls learn about a house with jungle juice, they tend to swarm like Tyrone Biggems on red balls. Not only that, but now good things may come as the bad decisions start to happen.

Now for the newest “B” and the most important key to a good party: the beats. You need make sure you have good variety, from Lil Wayne to Biggie, and Taylor Swift to Miley Cyrus. But the old tunes are arguably the most essential key. You need to make sure you have a few good ones such as some Springsteen, old school rap, and the most important song of all: Mark Morrison’s “Return of the Mack”. Once that beat starts, your house will turn from an average house party to Studio 54.

These are the keys to throwing a rage. If they are followed correctly, your next shindig will turn into the next Stifler after-prom party. By the way, whoever thinks they are creative with the Thirsty Scholar 2013 t-shirt, that phrase has been at this University for the past three years. If you don’t believe me, just check out my ruit table. My housemates are expecting some commission
on that.