He Said:

‘shy;’shy;When Miss Masciadrelli suggested etiquette as this week’s topic, I was confounded as to what I should write. But upon closer introspection I realized how intoxication can turn a weekend night at Fairfield into a disaster. While one may not perceive etiquette to be important, heeding these two simple pieces of advice will save you much grief, time, money and unforeseen medical expenses.

The cardinal rule of the collegiate lifestyle is to never drink to the point of uncontrollable emesis. To your friends you will be forever perceived as a burden, so don’t expect to be invited back to party with them again for some time. And as for any prospective girls you’re trying to get with that night, forget about it. Unless she was as smashed as you were, all bets are off. In short, know when you’ve had too much.

If you manage to avoid the porcelain goddess, it is equally important to steer clear of a certain breed of female. There are two types of women at Fairfield that should be avoided at all costs.

First, the underclass girls whose sole purpose is to lose all executive control of their frontal lobes in order to make regrettable decisions. These freshmen and sophomores dress in a way which has led me to believe that they are intent on pursuing their associate’s degree in the accumulation of venereal diseases. You can usually spot these eyesores milling outside the freshmen dorms – and Jogues – waiting for cabs to the Beach or stumbling up to the Townhouses.

If these same girls do not realize, through some sort of epiphany, that they are degrading themselves and stereotyping their gender, they transition to the second group of Fairfield untouchables. These are the upperclassmen women whom Tucker Max would ridicule without mercy. In the interests of avoiding controversy, I won’t go there.

The bottom line here is that certain women will take you as far as you will let them. If you’re a sap to trip over their chests and buy them drinks, it only saves them finding someone else to further inflate their egos.