We are already deep into January so I’m sure that everybody has already gone back on their New Year’s resolutions. Well, everybody except my brother Pat, whose rather lofty resolution every year is to not die.

It’s gotten to the point where everyone knows that New Year’s resolutions don’t last, so no one takes them seriously. We might have to take this one step at a time. New Year’s day resolutions, New Year’s week resolutions, New Year’s month resolutions…

Resolutions don’t hold up for a rather simple reason: They are things people don’t want to do but know it would be good if they did. Lose weight, be nice to their in-laws, stop smoking, drink responsibly, etc.

New Year’s resolutions are about getting a fresh start. Think about this for a minute. Why not make your resolution be something you want to do? All of a sudden smoking and drinking are not only altering your mind but helping you achieve what one may call a goal.

Therefore, my New Year’s resolution is to be the biggest college dude I can be, and I encourage all of you do to the same. I only have a few months left, so I need to make things happen quickly. My housemates and I already got the ball rolling by bringing a foosball table into our house even though it takes up half our space.

When everyone else is in the gym getting their beach muscles ready for spring break, I’ll be on the couch doing 12-ounce curls, eating chips, thinking about the female spring break photo albums, and watching sports with the intention of getting not smarter, but fatter than the Schwab, FROM? St. John’s.

Jackie’s resolution may be to not hook up with random people, but I say why not? What other time in your life are you going to be surrounded by this many good looking, sex-crazed people with raging hormones? For at least for half of that group, hormones aren’t the only things raging.

So, let’s break rules, defy authority, make bad decisions, and live the college life. I expect there to be plenty of kegs in the townhouses despite what authority figures who wear highwaters say. I can sum up my resolution in three words: get the funnel.

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