What do you want for the holidays?
A. Money. You don’t trust your family members’ tastes.
B. Just socks will be fine. Or you’re one of those people who is planning on starting a GoFundMe for a sick friend or relative instead of asking for gifts.
C. Clothes. You can’t be found dead in last year’s sweaters.
D. You’re still asking for Webkinz in the Year of Our Lord 2018.
What are you planning on giving other people?
A. Money. As if you’d spend time on actually buying gifts.
B. Homemade gifts, of course! Everyone deserves a gift that is unique to them, made with love.
C. Clothes. Your friends and family need your fashion sense.
D. Every year you collect rocks from outside and paint them all different colors, and your family pretends to love them.
Will you have any Halloween candy left by the time the holidays come?
A. You don’t believe in Halloween candy, but you’ve already spent your Halloween money.
B. No, you’ve given it all to young children who wanted it more than you did.
C. It’ll be mostly gone, save for the Twizzlers. You hate Twizzlers.
D. It was gone by the morning of November 1st.
What’s your favorite holiday tradition?
A. How much money you always get.
B. Getting to spend precious time with loved ones.
C. Decorating your room and then secretly comparing it to everyone else’s room.
D. Leaving gingerbread cookies out for Santa, and then staying up all night to listen to the reindeer hooves on the roof.
What is your favorite store at which to shop for Christmas gifts?
A. The bank.
B. You don’t believe in contributing to the corrupt, capitalist nature of the holidays. See Question 2.
D. The woods. See Question 2.
Mostly A’s: “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy
Mostly B’s: “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” by Gayla Peevey
Mostly C’s: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause” by the Jackson 5
Mostly D’s: “Christmas Must Be Something More” by Fifteen-Year-Old Taylor Swift