As the weather grows warmer and the skirts get shorter, the sight of tour groups packed with daddy’s little girls and wide-eyed high school jocks enjoying the view becomes a daily occurrence at Fairfield.
Robotic tour guides parade groups of prospective students around campus, and they are not given monetary compensation for their efforts.
Tour guides are given strict instructions about what, and what not, to share with their groups and are even banned from uttering certain phrases.
Page four of the tour guide manual tells tour guides, “Do not refer to Fairfield as a party school, make any negative remarks about the residence halls, or disrespect the food.”
“Never say if you want home cooked food, stay home,” the book says. “Besides, it’s possible the food here might be better than at home.”
Another section of the manual entitled “Worst Case Scenario” describes how to handle a pushy alum who brings up touchy subjects. Tour guides should say, “We [the University] would not like to share with the tour [insert: bonfires, beach houses, Clam Jam, Luau].”
The University wouldn’t want to let anyone know that this place is now about as enjoyable as a bag of mothballs. They also wouldn’t want to show anything that might detract from the squeaky clean Jesuit ideals Fairfield attempts to project.
Fairfield pulls the wool right over the eyes of all its applicants, turning it into a collegiate Disney World, ideal for any student who is looking for a “great university as well as a beautiful campus environment,” as the University Web site puts it.
One day, a renegade tour guide should take a group down to the prison-like weight room in the basement of the RecPlex. When they gasp, tell them how they will be screwed in many more ways, like when it comes to housing assignments.
One tour guide, who asked to remain anonymous, said the entire admissions process is a business designed to fill the beds at the University.
“As a tour guide there are certain things, such as the flawed housing system, that I know I cannot mention,” the guide said. “I tell students they will all get townhouses, and all live at the beach in order to make the school sound as attractive as it can.”
Another tour guide, Steve Parker ’10, disagreed with the notion that admissions is a business and said he tries to accurately portray Fairfield during his tours. However, he said he cannot speak for any of his fellow guides.
“What’s the point of a tour if you’re not telling the truth?” Parker asked. “I know if I was on a tour and someone told me something that wasn’t true, I would be very upset, so personally I strive to be accurate.”
Despite the good-natured intentions of some honest guides, it seems that the University does everything in its power to put its best foot forward and keep its dark secrets packed away in the closet.
And this closet only opens once the first tuition payment is made and it’s too late to turn back.
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