Hello Fairfield.

For those of you who don’t know me, I wrote the ‘He Said’ column last year and I’m writing in because evidently the column died the day I graduated.

First and foremost, to the females of the class of ’12, although you did not get the chance to experience my writing, I hope that you have had your ‘Welcome to Fairfield’ moment, whether it be walking back from the townhouses in the morning or taking a cab back alone from the beach.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a crisis on our hands here and as the leader of the last administration, I take partial responsibility. Despite my intention to do so, I never left my successors a rubric from which to follow so that they might carry on the torch of this great column.

Now even without a rubric my first successor has still managed to use the column as a tool to create somewhat of a stir on campus. For this he deserves a little bit of credit, although he did so, not by my method of brute honesty, but by in fact, being a tool.

Rule number one of not just being ‘He Said’, but of all writing, is to know who your audience is. Here’s a tip: They have dongs. This means that you have to write how the average Fairfield male thinks. When in doubt use this list of go-to themes that are bound to make your fellow brohams laugh. Red meat, football, beer, the objectification of women, sex, working out, working it out, bowel movements and slopping on food.’ ‘

Using themes that appeal to the average male is only half the battle. The other half is actually being one of those males. Whatever you do, never start a day without funneling a frosty beverage.

You should have two goals everyday: crushing brews and crushing box. When you aren’t doing one, you better be doing the other. In order to fulfill these goals you need to be seen at the right places and the library, class and on-duty are not where you want to be.

Although I am no longer a student in Stag country, and, I miss it dearly, I would much rather be an alum living on my parents’ couch than a senior living on campus. Show me a man who has taken a girl home from The Grape and back to campus and I’ll show you a man who thinks his right hand is a girl.’

It’s really a pretty simple formula. Seniors, although it may be tough to compete with the class of ’08, don’t take any of your remaining days for granted.

Go out as much as possible, hook up with as many people as possible and don’t worry about a thing until the day after you graduate.’

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