This week we have an interesting variety of FMLS and Texts from Last Night. Most of them are related to poop. You guys may subconsciously or not so subconsciously be telling me that my column is complete crap. That’s okay though, my dream of being the next Nora Roberts is still alive and kicking. Seriously though, send me a bigger variety people. I can’t write about poop for another week, as much as I enjoy the concept … there’s only so far a poop joke can go.
1. I walked into my boyfriend’s bathroom after my friend from home took a huge poop and as a result I vomited in the toilet. FML.
Poop vomit. Always a lovely little gem amongst friends and lovers. I have nothing else to say.
2. I stepped on the carpet and asked why it was wet, and my friend said ‘from the person that peed on the floor’, and then it all came back to me … and then I sharted in front of everyone. FML.
I think I would be more appalled if I didn’t see a friend soberly sh*t her pants
3. I was getting stuff ready for class, and when I pulled my folder out my pad went flying across the room. FML.
That happened to me on the Galway bus at 1:30 a.m. going to the airport. My tampons went flying at extreme altitudes. Every Irishman
had a tampon in his hand, but was relieved that he hadn’t impregnated me. Just kidding … I didn’t sleep with EVERY Irishman.
4. My mom told me that in this economic crisis, being thinner and more attractive wouldn’t hurt in attempt to get a job. Then she asked if I’ve lost any weight since she’s last seen me and told me I should start preparing. FML.
This one is actually mine. Isn’t my mom a bitch? She used to ground me for going into the refrigerator. I’m still not skinny. Wish I could say … haha showed her … but the joke is sort of on me.
FAIRFIELD texts from last night:
1. “She is being such a cock block … I dont care if they were babies … I just want someone to cuddle.”
I am seriously disturbed by this.
2. “Note to self: zinc stops diarrhea.”
And fruit chews from Ireland start it – for all of you pooporexics.
3. -“What house do you live in?”
-“*** Fairfield Beach Road.” (house number has been changed to protect this hobot’s identity)
-“Oh great, I’m three houses down. Short walk of shame.”
Personally, I don’t think there is such a thing as a short walk of shame. Walking down the stairs into a group of friends who had no idea you and the other mutual friend had it out in the sheets last night is enough for me, the walk home is just the cherry on top.
4. “I’m taking the most disgusting dump ever now. It smells like sambuca.”
-“yum. i miss sambuca.”
I loveeee Sambuca! I think the girl above would prefer her friend’s poop to smell like Sambuca than the wretched turd which caused her to vomit.
5. “I have a Magners, Tostitos and my pajamas. I’m sleeping in your bed tonight.”
What a pick up line. I’m going to use it tonight. I’ll let you guys know how it goes. My usual pickup via text