Her Cocktail – Molly Leidig

There is something so beautifully enticing about a warm mug filled with rich black coffee following my alarm every morning. It truly is the “best part of waking up.” Coffee has become a phenomenon these days, making no fall outfit complete without a Starbucks or Dunkin Donut’s novelty in hand.

However, not all self-proclaimed coffee lovers are created equal. We have the lover, the poser and what I like to call the two-sipper.

The coffee lover, which I would consider myself, is the individual that genuinely enjoys coffee. I drink coffee simply for one reason: because I like it. I don’t drink it to stay awake, I don’t drink it to look cool and I don’t load it down with pounds of milk in sugar to mask the idea that the liquid I’m drinking is even coffee. I have been drinking coffee since I was about 10 years old. In those days it was loaded down with sugar and cream, but my use has dwindled over the years to 2 packets of Sugar in the Raw and a splash of cream to make my perfect concoction.

The poser is most likely the coffee drinker that annoys people the most. The poser is the person that simply cannot step their big toe into Starbucks without tweeting or instagramming. These are the people that mask the flavor of their coffee with milk and sugar so you can hardly recognize its even coffee. Posers also tend to go for the most non-coffee-like option on the menu – things like Frappuccinos, Dunkaccinos and flavored lattes tend to be their favorite. The bottom line: these people wouldn’t be so annoying if they would just stop trying to convince themselves they like coffee. I don’t like marinara sauce, so I just don’t eat it. I’m still breathing.

The two-sipper is the individual who carries around a coffee cup to classes all day and never drinks it. The two-sipper is all about the image of drinking coffee. That person who shows up 5 minutes late to every class with their Starbucks in hand, because they just “had to have it,” and then at the end of class there is nothing missing from their cup? That’s the two-sipper. Probably one of the most perplexing things about the two-sipper, in my opinion, is all that wasted money. All those wasted $5 Starbucks drinks could really add up to something nice.

Coffee consumption has become an obsession in American culture. People have become so fixated on their daily cup of joe that it is starting to get very annoying. If you are a true coffee lover, just drink your coffee and move on with your day.

His Beer – Daniel Steimel

No one cares about your coffee.  If you have ever instagrammed or thought about instagramming a picture of your coffee you are wrong.  No one cares about the seasonal coffee that just got back on the menu or about how excited you are for it.  Half the people that order those ridiculously priced drinks are doing it so they can walk around with a Starbucks cup while they take two sips out of it.  I was just in a class for an hour and fifteen minutes, and a girl in my class had an iced coffee that she took three small sips out of.  If she really enjoyed drinking it that much she would have finished it in the hour and fifteen minutes that she had it.

I just don’t understand how when you order one of those ridiculous drinks you don’t feel like you’re fresh out of “Zoolander” when they order Orange Mocha Frappuccinos.  You know what happened to the people that ordered Orange Mocha Frappuccinos?  They died in a gas fight.  Just remember that next time you want to order anything with the words “Mocha” or “Frappuccino.”

A lot of people that I’ve talked to say that they like coffee, which makes absolutely no sense to me.  Those who choose to drink coffee usually drown it in milk and sugar, which makes it bearable but that isn’t really coffee.

Some people actually drink coffee for a purpose and I understand that, but it’s not like it makes that much of a difference.  You might think it does, you might convince yourself it does, but it doesn’t.  Get up, splash some cold water on your face, and get on with your morning.  People who say, “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” are basically justifying being terribly rude because they didn’t get their pick-me-up yet.  Just because you’re tired doesn’t mean you can be impolite and otherwise useless.  I get hungry in the morning but you don’t hear me saying “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my breakfast”.  Caffeine is a drug; you don’t hear other people that do drugs say, “Don’t talk to me until I’ve smoked my crack.”  I don’t really know anyone that does crack, so I can’t tell you if that’s true or not.

The only thing worse than the people who drink coffee in the morning are the people that drink 5-hour Energy.  I’m not sure if anyone actually does that but it’s definitely possible.

If you’re going to drink coffee then just do it.  Don’t shove it in someone’s face, don’t tweet about it, and don’t get into a gas fight with Ben Stiller and his male model friends.

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