Perhaps you haven’t yet noticed the various breeds of Fairfield Students living harmoniously in our FU habitat. Thankfully, I have personally constructed a field guide to help better define each species.
Below are species of students listed by both their common name and, get ready to be blown away bio majors, their latin binomial nomenclature (don’t be impressed, I spent ten minutes on wikipedia for that. It means latin names. See, this can be educational too).
Without further ado, I present to you my Fairfield Field Guide:
Guidos
(Hairgelasaurus Rex)
Guidos inhabit the weight room in high population. Here, we witness the guido perform his twelfth consecutive set of bicep curls before moving on to bench for the fourth day this week. The Guido continues this ritual to ensure success in his mating grounds: the bar. At night, this species can typically be spotted outside the bar puffing out their chest through their Express button down (unbuttoned to expose the requisite guinea tee) and smoking a Parliament Light while telling an embellished story at a volume greater than that of a 747 jet engine. Inside the bar, the Guido prowls the dance floor with his Grey Goose and cranberry, dancing and fist-pumping to the latest track by DJ Louie Devito.
Guidettes
(Volumus Loudashellus)
This exclusively female species can be seen walking Fairfield campus wearing oversized Chanel sunglasses and talking on her cell phone at an excruciating volume with elaborately vicious hand gestures. The Guidette seems to believe that these animated gestures will drive home her point to the person on the other end of said cell phone. Like her close relative, the Guido, the Guidette journeys to the bar during the night hours, arriving with a face that has been waxed more than Mr. Myagi’s car. From here, the Guidette will gather to take roughly 578 group photos with other Guidettes in their pack.
Princesses
(Daddis Spoiledus Girlus)
Each Princess shares one similar trait: they are under the mistaken impression that their “excrement” don’t stink. The Princess is better than you in every way. They attended a Catholic high school. They drive a better car. Their bank account remains constantly full (thanks Daddy). Nary a foul rumor shall be spread about the Princess. These attitudes have clearly been carried over from their high school days, even though some princesses have ballooned above their high school playing weights.
Preppies
(Trustfundus Maximus)
Wondering why two mammoth Range Rovers surround your 1996 Hyundai Accent? Look no further than the enormously high population of the Preppy breed at FU. Preppies stand out because of their colorful uniform. The male Preppy sports a polo hat matched with a polo shirt of a varying pastel color. Male preppies wear khaki shorts or pants, held up by a belt displaying a constant reminder of the ocean. This belt will typically feature sea creatures such as lobsters, fish or even tiny little sail boats to confirm the fact that yes, sailing is like sex to these people. The female Preppy wears only the most contemporary of clothes, though their idea of “contemporary fashion” means purchasing identical wardrobes to the new season three cast of Laguna Beach. The Preppy enjoys charitable contributions, like tipping their caddy $100 at the country club.
Meatheads
(Beergutus Protrudeus)
I wouldn’t take pot shots at every other breed of Fairfield student without addressing my own. The Meathead’s diet consists of red meat, occasional protein shakes, and low grade beer. Despite the Meathead’s constant presence at the Fairfield RecPlex, he remains in awful shape because of his staunch refusal to perform any abdominal or cardio workout. If the Meathead does not choose to perform physical activity at the RecPlex, they often substitute with recreation such as rugby or destruction of property (and in many cases both). The Meathead considers missing the final cup in beer pong an acceptable time to flip out, resulting in profanity laced tirades and the launching of various projectiles about the room.
Leave a Reply