One of the worst things a student can experience is being sick at school while away from home. As a pessimistic germaphobe, nothing compares to the feeling of utter hopelessness as one fights off a cold they have had for three months and has spread to everyone and their mothers. If someone you live with is sick, odds are in the next two weeks you will be too.

The minute one of my suitemates gets sick I know the end is near for me. My immune system is much like France: the minute an enemy appears it quickly gives up hope and realizes that fighting off this germy foe is useless and promptly surrenders. Orange juice and vitamin C are consumed as if intravenously fed directly into my blood stream. Someone looking to make money should just wait till someone in my suite gets sick and then invest heavily in whatever company makes hand sanitizer and orange juice. They’ll easily make a fortune.

If I had my way and it was not considered illegal, I would carry around flu shots to distribute to everyone.  Just jab them in the arm at random intervals. Hell, instead of Sodexo allegedly putting laxatives in the Barone food they should just douse the stuff in every vaccine known to man and top it off with a nice shot of orange juice. Fairfield students would have the strongest immune systems ever.

As I lay here, slowly dying in dark corners of Club DiMenna, I ponder why the University decided to make the Health center the farthest building on campus. I have to walk a mile to get to the health center and I’d considering killing a man for a bowl of chicken noodle soup.

For those of you who have survived the journey that I imagine even Bear Grylls would struggle with, no doubt you’ve experienced the helpful atmosphere of the Health Center.  The nurses and doctors there are the nicest people ever, and for once I’m not speaking with sarcasm.  One of my favorite questions of theirs is asked after getting a prescription or some kind of test done.  They always ask “Do you want to pay cash or just put it on your tuition bill?” I always laugh at this in between fits of coughing up blood and reply “What’s five more dollars when I’m paying 55 grand to go here?”

Don’t even bother calling Public Safety for a ride either, most of the time they’ll just laugh at you unless you’re dying of the bubonic plague or have had too much to drink.  Walking pneumonia?  Forget it you’re on your own with that one, it’s called ‘walking’ pneumonia for a reason.  One of your girlfriends had a few too many?  We’ll send eight squad cars over to help out with that 90 pound mess.  Priorities people, priorities.

As flu season approaches, prepare yourselves fellow stags. Get a flu shot, wash your hands, and watch who you kiss for God’s sake.  With this I raise a toast of Nyquil to your continued good health!

 

-Sent from my iPhone

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