I love being a girl:

Despite the cost factor and nuisance of being well-groomed females, we truthfully have nothing to complain about. There are few things in life that are more enjoyable than a high-quality pedicure, and as much as the thought of pregnancy irks us, remember that it allows us nine months of serious eating without feeling guilty about it. I will start out by saying that women are anatomically blessed, which is much more than our male counterparts can say. There’s not much to be said about a body part that has a mind of its own, gets jock itch or requires you to wear a cup every time you play a contact sport. What do you do if you have a spontaneous erection at a family outing? How do men ride bicycles? And most importantly, how embarrassing is it if you’ve had too much to drink and can’t “perform?” Never complain about your hips again…at least they never fail you after drinking a handle of Dubra. Besides our substantially superior appearance, one of the most preeminent components of being a woman is the fact that we get away with murder. We can fake cry our way out of circumstances ranging from speeding tickets to overdraft bank fees. We can flirt our way out of cover charges or paying for oil changes. In academia, if a paper is late due to laziness, we lie and blame it on “girl problems,” and if we wish to withhold sex without starting an argument, we whip out the “P-card” which works without fail. “Not tonight honey, I have my period.” At a bar, all it takes is a low cut shirt to get served first and our flirtatious mannerisms to supply us with free drinks from our male counterparts. After two days of not showering, we don’t smell like barnyards and no matter what our insecurities about our bodies are, we’ve been blessed with three valuable options: collagen, silicon and Weight Watchers. Women are the best bullsh*ters, and we know how to get what we want and at a discount. We’ve mastered the damsel in distress act and only get upset when men call us b*tches because it means they’re catching on. So, next time a man makes a sexist comment about females, look at him and laugh. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.