Contributed by FUSA
Standing confidently on the stage in the Barone Campus Center, Harlan Cohen shared both his joyful and painful experiences with love and advice to the attentive students in the audience.
“I really have loved women my whole life … and women have not loved me,” said Cohen.
Cohen, a New York Times best-selling author and public speaker, spoke on campus Wednesday, March 12. Fairfield University’s Student Association planned the event, which was called “Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life.” In addition to providing five steps, Cohen also answered questions students texted to him.
Cohen began by saying that the average person’s fear of rejection is what stops them from taking risks. He mentioned that society makes it much more difficult than it actually is and that we are taught that “sharing our feelings is stupid.”
“We’re all defective,” Cohen said. He reflected on his experiences in middle school where he was unsuccessful with girls, noting a time when a girl denied him solely because she thought he was too fat. After that, he felt insecure and pointed out that making fun of someone who rejected you is a coping mechanism.
“Between 13 and 18, the game is to make everyone feel like sh– so we feel like more,” said Cohen.
Cohen described how it is necessary for people to be comfortable with themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. He assured audience members that their differences make them unique so embrace them.
Cohen also gave students a phone number to anonymously text with questions, which he answered periodically throughout the talk. Questions ranged from how to overcome social awkwardness to how to turn a consistent hook up into a relationship. To that question, Cohen advised the anonymous student to move on.
“He’s just a drunk crutch … It’s not gonna help you to find something substantial and good … There’s probably someone you can meet during the day that would want to get drunk and have sex with you, and then be sober with you and do fun things,” said Cohen.
Touching upon the “friend zone” often heard of in college, Cohen mentioned that it is actually a good thing. He described how the friend zone is actually a “waiting room” that shouldn’t be looked upon as a negative.
“A lot of times when someone friend zones you it isn’t about you being undesirable, it’s about them not being in a place where they can have the kind of relationship that you deserve to have with that person,” said Cohen.
Cohen challenged the single people in the audience to tell someone they find attractive how they really feel. Being honest, Cohen told the audience that millions of people won’t want them, but there will also be thousands of people who truly do.
Changing subjects, Cohen talked about the reality of depression and how dating can be a contributor. He mentioned his own feelings of depression and recognized that it happens to students as well. Reflecting on the suicide of University of Pennsylvania student Madison Holleran earlier this year, Cohen urged the audience to “be patient” because things will get better.
“Between 13 and 18, that’s when life is just … a crazy sh– storm. I think even to 21. Like once you can get to 25, you can see that life is 90 percent amazing and 10 percent bullsh– … You’re able to look back and be like, ‘Wow it really does get better.’”
During the event, every chair in the lower level of the BCC was occupied, and there was even a consistent group of 15 to 20 students standing at the balcony.
“I think that really shows how interesting and cool an event is; when people just happen to be walking by and stop to listen, so I think it went really well,” said Kelly Miraglia ‘15, director of special events on the FUSA Programming Board.
FUSA President Alex Long ‘14 had positive things to say about the speaker, as did other students.
“[My biggest takeaway was] to step out of your own skin and really not be afraid of disappointment or rejection. I think as college students, oftentimes that’s what’s in the back of our minds because, you know, we live in a world where everyone knows everything that happens and we’re afraid that if it gets out, then it’s embarrassing for us. But I think what the takeaway was is to stop fearing the unknown,” said Long.
Freshman Danielle Saitta attended the event for a class and was satisfied as she left the event.
“It was a lot better than I thought it was gonna be,” said Saitta.
When asked what his biggest takeaway from the event was, Doug Daniels ‘14 was quick to answer.
“Never regret. And don’t fear rejection.”
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