First and foremost: If you are reading this and you are the brain-dead little twit who squirted mustard (oh God, please let it have been mustard I was scraping) on the hood of my baby, my pride and joy—GET A FRIGGIN LIFE YOU PIMPLE ON THE FACE OF HUMAN RACE.

I’m good now.

So how was everybody’s weekend? I had a bit of a milestone, a rite of passage if you will, this weekend: the first real party at my townhouse. Why so long a wait, you may be wondering. The answer: why should I have people trashing my place when I can just as easily go and trash someone else’s? I must say the soiree was a smashing success. Most people arrived in costume as requested (though quality varied), there were no unexpected visits from security, uninvited guests or townhouse managers (special shout out to Mike P. and Dave-thanks). There was no puke anywhere, and nothing broken except my silver steamer curtain (apparently drunk people cannot resist shiny objects). There was a waiting list a mile long to play The Game That Shall Not Be Named, the brew was ice cold and the conversations humorous.

It was everything college ought to be.

I don’t want the above declaration to be misconstrued. It had nothing to do with alcohol. In every movie or television show about college, from “Animal House” to “Undeclared” (which should not have been cancelled, by the way), college is a time of joyous regression, the final opportunity to be immature without severe social sanctions. How many more years, nay months for some of us, are left when you can dress up like a pirate and throw a ping pong ball for twenty minutes and consider it a productive night? After entering the chimera (go ahead, look it up) known as the “real world”, how many opportunities will there be to have forty, twenty, even ten of one’s nearest and dearest congregate in your living room, doing nothing but quote lines from “The Simpsons” (“The Aurora Borealis, at this time of day, at this time of year, in this part of the country, located solely in your kitchen?” “Yes.” “May I see it?” No.”)? Remember, on the weekends, college is the best vacation your parents ever paid for.


Best Costume: tie between JF, “Benny” and myself (hey, it took guts)

Most Skilled Participants in The Game That Shall Not Be Named: tie-MR and Ed for 4 wins in a row, and CC and MM for stopping their streak.

Most Humorous Under the Influence: N, we love you.

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