UntitledForget global warming; disaster looms as the world’s reserve of cocoa beans is shrinking, and in turn, our share of precious chocolate. Speculation pegs that chocolate prices will reach record highs, up to a 45 percent increase from 2007. One of the main problems lies with the world’s insistence on bipolar weather patterns. Businessweek reports that farmers in West Africa gave up on the cocoa crop for that reason, as well as profit shortages.

Considering that West Africa is to chocolate what the Middle East is to oil, this is a grave cause of concern that is in dire need of addressing. What is more irritating is that a report in Reuters has deemed that the anticipation of chocolate production will result in more than doubling cocoa prices by 2020. People should be aware of this issue and be convinced to buy more chocolate before things climb to epic proportions and citizens start rioting against our government.

Considering the government has just shut down, this would be a perfect opportunity; though looking at our history, it is far more likely that we will simply initiate World War III in Africa and fight to the death over our chocolate reserves and take them for ourselves. I can see it now: The African Revolution storms out of Egypt and Libya to defend their western brothers as we set fire to Liberia and Obama proclaims, “Let them eat chocolate,” as he snacks on a Snickers. They say Army Strong; I say Chocolate Stronger.

The other primary issue here lies within our society’s health nuts. People are preferring dark chocolate over its more delicious, milky counterpart because the making of said dark mediocrity involves more beans. The greater cocoa capacity leaves less sugar content for people who actually stress over the calorie intake.

I cannot say I understand their point of view when milk chocolate has been the de facto chocolate everywhere I’ve looked all my life. Eating a smorgasbord of M&Ms is akin to having sex on ecstasy. Ravaging a 5-pound Hershey bar at Hershey Park with your friends beats out any “Breakfast Club” bonding baloney. The Three Musketeers were known for being bros so well that they made a chocolate candy in their honor. Chocolate is life.

On the other hand, one could also bite the bullet and simply eat less chocolate. As one who treats M&Ms like a medical necessity, I understand the giant undertaking involved in repressing primal urges to gorge yourself in the delicious delicacy. But there is clearly a greater good here that can only be helped if the individual strengthens their resolve, whether it be dying for our freedom in Africa or setting aside the Klondikes and actually trying to get laid, instead of settling for chocolate to raise your endorphins.

Another lucrative, though destructive, option is to buy as much chocolate as possible right now. The Halloween rush is still a month away and there is plenty of time to set up a Valentine’s Day package while it is cheap (though that may also come off as cheap in a different way).

It is best to avoid the dark chocolate excuse as well; so what if a little daily dose of dark chocolate lowers blood pressure? Try exercising so you can actually rock those skinny jeans outside of your room. Eat a banana and ignore inevitable quips about phalluses; that potassium will prevent your body from absorbing sodium.

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