Her Cocktail, His Beer

Her Cocktail – by Molly Leidig

I am sick and tired of guys today complaining about being “friendzoned.” Guys automatically assume that because you split a Stag pizza with them and spill all your latest gossip, it translates into you liking them. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but it doesn’t. To be blunt, just because we like to hang out with you does not mean we want to hook up with you. I don’t know where guys get this idea.

I love having guy friends. Honestly, sometimes I hate girls and just want to talk to a guy. A guy friend offers a perspective that our girlfriends sometimes just can’t give. Sometimes you just need to call your best guy friend and cry about some loser and know that he is there to listen and love you, even if someone else doesn’t. I don’t see why that is a crime or why we should be punished. It all always seems to trace back to sex with guys; if they’re not benefitting sexually from a girl, then they get angry. Well, if you were a true friend in the first place and genuinely cared for a girl, it wouldn’t matter if you shared a sexual relationship or not.

Now, I understand it’s hard when you like someone and he or she doesn’t feel the same way. It’s not a good feeling. But, seriously, boys, grow a pair. A girl might find you more attractive if you stop being her b***h and act more like a man. You might even get yourself out of the loathed friendzone. Big deal, a girl doesn’t like you. Get over it. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

The f***zone is troublesome territory. The trouble arises when a communication barrier forms between the guy and the girl. The girl continuously hooks up with a guy with the motivation of one day dating him, and then: boom. One day she gets the perpetual “we should just be friends speech,” and she’s heartbroken. All along, the guy thought it was just a casual hookup and the girl was taking it way more seriously, and so the drama begins.

However, the f***zone could also be an enjoyable territory. If both the guy and the girl have the same intentions – just appreciating each other’s company – the f***zone can be smooth sailing. Our society is under the impression that guys are the only ones who enjoy simply hooking up with “no strings attached,” which just isn’t true. Some girls are actually OK with that, too.

The bottom line: as long as the girl and guy are on the same page in the f***zone, than it’s fair game. Regardless, the friendzone is not as atrocious as males make it seem. Sorry, boys.

His Beer – by Salvatore Trifilio

OK, so before I get into this, I just have to say, Mom, if you’re reading this, just close the browser right here.

Now that I got that out of the way, let’s get down to business. The f***zone, what is it? Well, that’s easy, it’s a man’s best friend (sorry, dogs). The friendzone’s darker cousin? I think not; more like her more attractive and more laid-back cousin.

Ladies, stop pretending like the guy is taking advantage of you and get real. We’re all in college, and we’re all adults. It’s time to take responsibility for our actions. If you’re getting called at 3 a.m. and you answer that call, you’ve got no one to blame but yourself when he sneaks out of his own house the next morning to avoid any sort of sober conversation.

Let’s be honest: the friendzone is infinitely worse. Guys, you get reduced to the girl’s little sister who has to listen to stories of the guys getting what you’re working so hard for – sans dignity. Talk about a swift kick to the family jewels. At least when you’re in the f***zone you’re getting laid and you don’t have to hear about all the other girls that he’s getting with on the side.

Now fellas, don’t get me wrong. If you have a girlfriend and you care about her, the f***zone just isn’t for you (at least most of you). There’s always a time and place for everything.

But, for the guys out there without a girl, you have the rest of your life to be tied down in a monogamous soul-sucking and life-draining relationship, one that fails half the time anyways, so why waste your college years and the prime of your life while you’ve still got them?

I’m sure many girls out there feel the same way. In fact, you know there are, but pretending like you really like him – and not just what he does in bed – is the best way for you to save face in front of your friends.

Until the day comes when college girls finally own up to what they’re doing and are just upfront with what they want like guys are, gentlemen, looks like you’ll just have to keep “missing” those phone calls because remember: you can always return them at 3 a.m.