I HATE EVERYTHING: Airport pet peeves

I’m not the best flier. This isn’t a post 9/11 thing as much as an annoying thing. People, in the airport or on the plane, are annoying.

Since the school only offers a course on the etiquette of business dinners, and not one on the etiquette of flying, it seems only proper to offer a few tips.

First is the problem of luggage. Unless you are 65 or older, or have a medical condition prohibiting moving heavy objects, do not use luggage with wheels! I cannot stress this enough. The last thing most people need before they get on a plane is to be held up because your Samsonite knock-off’s handle won’t extend.

Furthermore, if you are waiting at the ticket counter, it’s not necessary to move your luggage forward six inches every time the line moves. Are you worried some ninja-like passenger is going to swoop down and cut in front of you? Yeah, it won’t happen, so calm down.

Let’s move on to the metal detectors. If you aren’t completely ready by the time it’s your turn, what the heck were you doing? Were you unaware airports carry these machines? Take your damn Nokia out of your pocket already.

Now onto the plane itself. If your carry-on does not fit under the seat, don’t bring it. Nothing is more annoying than waiting for some moron to try and stuff all their outfits for a three month trip into a compartment designed to hold a few blankets and pillows. If you need help putting something away, it’s too big to begin with.

Sit in your seat. Yeah, this might come as a shock to everyone, but sit in the seat number you were assigned. I don’t care if you wanted an aisle seat; I got one because I requested it when I bought my ticket.

As for the flight itself, if you take off your shoes on an airplane, you are quite possibly the lowest common denominator of a passenger. Did you forget that airplanes are a fairly enclosed space? In the words of Moe Syzlack, your stink brings tears to my eyes.

When the plane lands, wait. Don’t immediately jump up and think that we’ll all magically get off the plane faster if everyone waits in the aisles standing. Don’t cut in front of the people in the rows in front of you. We learned it in kindergarten, wait your turn.