You’ve made it this far. Those $300 textbooks will be a perfect doorstop in three years, I promise.

To all the newcomers in Stag country: Welcome. By now, you’ve broken in your Sperrys and Vineyard Vines apparel. I’ve seen hordes of you admiring the beautiful view of the Quad through Instagram photos. Why bother leaving your luxurious freshman dorm, with a computer screen view like that?

Please, remember to keep your iPhone with you. It will protect you from awkward eye contact with potential friends.

Avoid the library from Tuesday to Monday. Bribe the girl down the hall with Starbucks coffee to do your homework–she might do your laundry, too.

Never drink from the water fountains–tap water may turn your hair green.

Walk oblivious to the universe, with headphones plugged in. I hope you remember to pack a spare charger, in case your battery can’t last the walk from the Dolan School of Business.  If I hit you on my bike, sue me for failing to yield to less intelligent life forms.

As for homework, burn your notebook and call it art. That will earn you at least an A- in an introductory Visual Arts class. Skip philosophy class and blame theoretical free will. Mention a stereotypical, classic novel in your English class and you’ll sound brilliant.

Focus on the important things, like practicing your aim with Ping Pong balls or walking uphill in high heels.

Be responsible: leave your door unlocked so new friends can wander in unexpected.

Spend your money wisely—Beach Bum Tanning & Airbrush Salon offers fantastic student discounts.

Since Fairfield is one of the cheapest schools in the Northeast, feel free to slack off.  Hey–it’s only $5,800. Math wasn’t my favorite in high school, but I know that this makes Fairfield a true bargain.

Share horror stories from the cafeteria: complain that your chicken salad sandwich was cut straight, not diagonally. If the workers forget to cut the sandwich crust off, start an online petition.  Remember, technology is your friend: your only friend.

Also, remember to take multiple selfies while riding the stag. Take a selfie at the bus stop, in town, during class and from the cafeteria.

Photograph everything. The small cheese from the Nauti Dolphin, the sunrise behind Campion Hall, your business casual attire for a townhouse party.

If you are looking for a pet, check out the back streets by Dolan Hall. I’ve seen a few furry black cats with white stripes that need a good home.

Bored on a Friday night? Scope out the townhouses in packs of 20. Play chicken with cars driving by–it’s good exercise.

The best way to stay up-to-date with homework is to find smart friends. Group project?  You’re set.

When in doubt, blame Russia or the chicken nuggets in Barone. Find a medical excuse to extend the deadline for your final paper. Plan a family emergency to postpone your midterm exam. Cite a power outage as the cause for debilitating stress. The cure? Watching “The Vampire Diaries” in bed.

Are you an Engineering student? Play Minecraft. It’s similar enough to the real world.  Are you interested in reporting as a broadcast news anchor? Practice double wings with your eyeliner.

And after you graduate with a degree in twerking and a double minor in binge-eating and bs-ing, you have two choices:

Extend the party into graduate school, or turn the iPhone off and see the world without your Fairfield-rose colored glasses.

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