I’ve always felt that I was short-changed when I was given a tour of this campus. When I came here I had no idea what the townhouses were or just how creepy Dolan Hall really is. I dreamed the other night that I gave the perfect “reality tour” of Fairfield.
First we start off in Bellarmine Hall by noticing the impenetrable fortress of solitude that our intrepid president occupies. Then I quickly note that although Bellarmine is plastered on nearly everything, students use it very little. More representative architecture would be the squat, bland facades of Canisus and Donnarumma Halls.
We continue our tour by trekking through the rain across campus. This is how students do it every day since they are allowed to park in one place and one place only. Take a trip somewhere else and enjoy the ticket that will be waiting upon your return. This also helps point out just how expansive the campus really is and how little students see the shuttle.
After a good hike, we approach the townhouses. Peering inside one house I point out my housemate “Olaf” shivering in the cold. I tell them that it’s all part of “responsibility.” Senior citizens aren’t the only ones who get to feel the joy of fixed-income living.
Walking along, I point out the very fancy astroturf installed on Alumni Field despite the fact that we canned our football program last year. It was all part of the plan I note with glee as peewee footballers from the Prep practice their tackles down below.
The crowd continues with me to the nether regions of Dolan Hall. I tell them to take careful note of the condition of the carpets. It seems like this place hasn’t been renovated in quite some time! Photographs snap while parents telephone Boston College feverishly, offering various bodily organs for their child’s admission.
Suddenly, the reality tour is over. I tell them to enjoy the walk back and I illegally solicit tips from a less than appreciative crowd.
My “reality tour” idea is probably why I will never be a tour guide. Still, one can make a strong case that the university is negligent and wasteful in many ways. The Astroturf is overkill. The utilities are a bad idea. I thought I already paid room and board. As for Dolan, could they at least try to make it seem more hospitable? Oh, APK please can you come out and see us for just a little bit? It would be a great way to seal your legacy and maybe even help recruit a few students.
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