“It’s not you.”
“These things happen to everyone.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself.”
Well, I’m certainly not being hard on anyone else. Sexual incapability is a touchy subject, especially with the gross amount of uncomfortable advertising by Levitra, Viagra and Cialis.
Fast forward past five hours of heavy drinking to that point where you’re taking that woman to bed. It could even be your girlfriend, it doesn’t particularly matter; the importance, however, is found in the fact that, while your brain is thinking sex, your penis has other plans for the night. And then it happens to you.
How do you explain that to a woman? Basically, you’re a big loser because you couldn’t get it up and you’re an even bigger loser to yourself because you missed out on what could have been a good time. Nobody wants to hear that either, especially a potential one-night standee.
Booze is supposed to elevate the senses, make the time that much better and, above all else, spur the nonsensical decisions that make college what it is.
Jeanne DiMuzio, director of counseling services, stresses the practical implications of these decisions in her effective alcohol education classes: sexually transmitted diseases/HIV and one-night stands.
In reference to the negative effects alcohol can sometimes have on a man’s piece, DiMuzio agreed there is a correlation.
“Alcohol is a drug that depresses the body’s systems, therefore it will be more difficult to achieve and maintain an erection,” she said. “Long term, it can also impact sperm production as well.”
Of all that is wrong with waking up next to someone you vaguely remember from the night before, when the lights are turned down and the clothes come off, regret is nonexistent. However, when you compound this decision with a lack of libido, your ego is bound to take a shot.
Is there a disconnect between sex and relationship at this school? No more than any other school. Is this the culture that we live in, where every relationship seems like it is fleeting and every pursuit starts with drinks and culminates in vaguely remembered encounters? Some people blame it on the females, but as ridiculous as Seth Green sounded in Can’t Hardly Wait, that’s how you’ll sound too.
When searching for reasons to deter excessive drinking, my mother always told me, “If you drink too much, you know what’s not going to work.”
Just like she would cheer me up when my peers would ridicule me for being a heffer-esque adolescent, this particular line serves as a pick-me-up, even when my package is down.
The point is that this happens as much as we try to avoid it. Does this mean that you should avoid one-night stands to save face in case you actually find yourself too banged up to bang? Fairfield kids do care rather passionately about their reps, but I’m going to say no. Still, it’s hard not to feel a bit downtrodden about taking a sexual mulligan, even if it is just an isolated Fairfield night.
This is not an indictment of the female race, nor is it a rebuke of casual drunken trysts; it’s merely a realization that not every sexual encounter plays out like a movie scene and not every drink makes you feel like a star – even at Fairfield.
Take solace in the fact you’re still young and you’re not Bob Dole or those weirdos in the Cialis tub.
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