In hopes of diversifying Fairfield and ridding it of its reputation as a bastion of white, upper-class prepocracy, the administration is looking to the stars.

Currently, there is not a single school on the planet with a Martian enrolled, but Fairfield is looking to change that.

Because of the problem of timely long distance space travel, the current plan projects that Martian enrollment will be at least 1 percent by 2056.

But the millions of miles of space separating our two planets is not the only obstacle in the way of this bold plan. Very little is known about the Martians themselves. Language, culture, appearance and whether or not they actually exist, all pose a problem for these efforts at diversity.

The issue of payment was also a large concern until the administration decided they would consider rare space rocks as an acceptable substitute for human currency. Most devastating of all is the possibility that Martians are all preppy white kids. However, the administration has high hopes and has already reserved wall space for their “First University with a Martian Graduate” plaque.

When asked why they don’t simply focus on minority groups already present on Earth, an anonymous source replied, “Martians won’t have the necessary information for financial aid, so they won’t be eligible. We get rare space minerals and advanced technology, and they get an education, it’s a win-win situation.”

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