You may have noticed the large number of flat-screened televisions on campus and thought to yourself, “Why is this school spending money on enormous televisions rather than on things we actually need?”

In reality, there is no reason to get hot around the collar, because Fairfield isn’t buying these televisions. They are part of a terrible and seemingly endless plague of anonymous donations.

Dick Heene, director of the Alumni Farming Department at Fairfield University, has dealt with many donations in his time, both large and very large, but he has never seen reckless donations like this before. “At first, we were very glad,” he said. “Who doesn’t like a flat-screen television? But they kept coming and coming, and we didn’t know what to do with them. We’ve got four of them in Barone alone, and they’re all playing the same thing! It’s really a tragedy.”

With the number of donations growing rapidly, Fairfield has changed its stance on the matter and has contacted the FBI in order to actively seek out this malicious individual and put a stop to his or her heinous acts before the university is literally buried under a mountain of enormous televisions.

Special Agent Alan Finger has been put in charge of the investigation. “Malevolent donation is nothing new,” he said in a recent interview. “We have intelligence which suggests that the person responsible for these crimes against the University is also responsible for anonymously donating crime and poverty to Bridgeport.”

Despite the possibility that Fairfield might be dealing with heavy hitters on the level of international drug cartels and Lithuanian freedom fighters, Finger is confident in the FBI’s ability to track down and put a stop to the person or persons responsible.

“The Finger always gets his man… always…” Finger said.

When informed of the truth behind the recent surge of TVs on campus, student Mark Merriman responded: “That’s all well and good, but they should really track down the person donating all of the women’s underwear to my bedroom floor. That’s the real issue here. I don’t care if I have to look at a giant TV doing the job of a poster, but what if there’s a fire and I trip over them in the middle of my floor? That’s a safety hazard and it’s downright shameful that nothing is being done about it.”

 

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