What I want in a woman. Well it’s quite possibly the only thought that runs through my mind every minute of the day. Why do you think I head to the bathroom countless times?

Women are the single most important element in my life- not beer, not Rugby, I would do anything to make them happy despite my antics and actions on a typical weekend night. I know that previously I directed my ideal woman to be a tall blonde bombshell like Pamela Anderson but I was just doing that for the sake of my reputation. I have to come clean.

Why go for the typical Playboy bunny when I can get my fix from Lane Bryant models or even those delicious women that run the stage on the Jerry Springer Show. Nothing is hotter than a scantily clad obese goddess running full-force at me with open arms.

I am a sucker for a thick woman dressed with my intentions in mind. I go out every weekend hoping to find my dream woman, yet girls here just don’t stack up. Why else do I drink myself into oblivion?

There is no possible way that the ladies at this school would find me remotely attractive after I consume the entire bar. Or if one of them does, there is no possible way for me to perform in any manner, thus ensuring my search for, as I like to call her, “Tons of Fun.”

Tons would be any guy’s dream-large and in charge, wearing the pants in our relationship. There is no need for guys to be the ones in charge. Men, take a step back and let the ladies do what they do best. I have to confess that there is no way that men are more intelligent than women so its time to realize this guys, maybe I am just man enough to admit it.

Sometimes I act crazy but deep down inside I like flowers and bunnies and baking. Why not devote my talent of bundt cakes and double fudge brownies to the woman of my dreams?

Tons would never be exposed to mass amounts of beer because truthfully when I am home by myself I prefer daiquiris, Cosmopolitans and wine coolers-there are some things I just can’t deny any longer.

What it all comes down to is simple: whatever Tons wants I’ll give her. I will parade her around down at the beach, from the Bunny to the Traffic Baron, until the day that I die because a girl like Tons is someone that I want to keep forever.

What more could I ask for? Cushion for the pushin’ and an appetite to devour all of my culinary masterpieces.

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