“I had to go to Los Angeles to try out for Star-Search”-anonymous student.

Excuses, excuses, as college students we’re full of them, but the question is-are we good at them?

The good old days of high school when your mom would just call you in sick are long gone and you are now faced with a new problem: you’re lazy and there’s one thing standing in the way of you and “Real World” reruns-you’ve got class. So, when you log onto Stagweb, what’s the best excuse to e-mail your professor to ensure an excused absence?

The key elements to a good excuse are simple and can be remembered with a motto all students should learn and live by, “Every Student Deserves Rest.” What this stands for is the key to your academic leisure-emotion, sympathy, disgust, and the ability to make your teacher relate.

Let’s start with the “E”-emotion. After missing your class, slowly mope into your professors office, sit down, and put your hands in your face. Now begin to cry.

“Sometimes I just tell my professors that I just have so much going on in my life right now with schoolwork, friends, my family, and boys that I just can’t handle it,” said Liz Orgera ’06.

This method is a surefire one since no professor wants an emotionally unstable undergrad hanging out in their office-they’ll say anything just to get you out of there! (and you on your way to counseling services)

Now for the “S.” If crying and looking like a nutcase is not quite your forte, chances are you’ll do much better with the sympathy route. However, playing the sympathy game can be a little tricky. The goal here is to get sympathy from your teacher, yet not imagine anything that would actually upset you. So this rules out the death in the family, sickness, or any random atrocity.

Instead, try Jaclyn Drake’s ’06 excuse: “My roommates appendix burst and I spent the night in the hospital with her”.

Moving on to the “D”-disgust-we learn of a trade anyone with a creative mind and an ounce of courage can master.

A junior male, who prefers to be referred to as “Joe Doe” once “told a few teachers that I got food poising on Spring Break which gave me severe diarrhea for a week. Truthfully, I just wanted to relax at home after a crazy spring break in Cancun.”

Now think about it, what professor is ever going to question your bodily functions? No one, they’re all too disgusted to think about it.

If sharing bathroom talk with your professors is out of the question, your last, and easiest resort is the “R”-making your teachers relate to you. This one is simple.

Say your professor is a feminist-tell her you were off burning your bra. Your professor is an artist-you got a paintbrush in your eye. An environmentalist-you were planting trees and lost track of time. A priest-you were at confession. You get the idea.

Just as a heads-up though, some professors know what you’re up to.

Dr. Elizabeth Dreyer, a religious studies professor here at Fairfield, said that “faculty talk from many schools [regarding the worst excuse] usually includes, ‘my grandmother died’ when the student’s grandmother is alive and well.”

Rev. James Mayzik, S.J. recalls the worst excuse he has ever been told. A female student told him it was “her dog’s birthday and she went home to celebrate it.”

Dr. David Crawford, an anthropology professor here at Fairfield, recalls one excuse a student gave him that actually caused him to feel some sympathy: “I tried shrooms for the first time.”

The only problem with this is that the sympathy was actually caused by the poorness of the excuse.

Whatever your purpose for skipping class is, keep Rev. Mark McGregor, S.J.’s words in mind: “I appreciate creativity, humor, and no whining in the B.S. excuses.”

About The Author

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.