Friday, 2/16

6:33 p.m.

A student was found banging their head on a desk 90 minutes into their turbo. The student was referred to Counseling & Psychological Services.


Saturday, 2/17

10:38 p.m.

A turkey was found wandering the townhouse area visibly intoxicated. DPS determined a medical transport was required. The turkey was referred to student conduct.

11:00 p.m.

Juliana Sansonetti tripped running to her 8 p.m. meeting. DPS was called and the student was examined. The student was referred to student conduct for tardiness.


Sunday, 2/18

1:19 a.m.

A pack of five male students were spotted streaking across Bellarmine Lawn. Anyone with any information is encouraged to contact DPS.

2:25 a.m.

A large plastic bin with a large rope attached was recovered from the bottom of Hopkins Pond. The contents were discovered to be alcohol and drug paraphernalia. DPS confiscated the contents.

2:28 a.m.

A student was found sitting beside Hopkins Pond next to an empty plastic bin weeping. The student was referred to student conduct.  

11:19 a.m.

Four students died of exsanguination at the blood drive. The students’ ghosts were referred to student conduct.

4:39 p.m.

Two male students were involved in a physical altercation regarding Prime Minister Natanyahu’s corruption charges. The students were referred to student conduct for being total nerds.

5:13 p.m.

DPS was called after a professor was found crying in their office. In between shrieks the professor was reported to have been yelling, “they can’t be this stupid.” The professor was released on their own recognizance.


About The Author

-- Executive Editor Emeritus -- Politics

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