HE Said…

All girls have the potential to be psycho, by nature. Girls and their demeanors are like natural disasters, in particular volcanic eruptions. When a volcano is active, it is dangerous and should be avoided for obvious reasons. When it is dormant, it has the potential to cause harm and it could explode at any time raining down fire and brimstone because hell has no fury like… (you know the saying.) A guy should avoid a catastrophic event like a psycho’s wrath at all costs. However, it isn’t possible to avoid disaster and sometimes you are caught in its path. How can you tell she is going to blow (blow as in explode, sinner) and what do you do if she does?

You have to learn to read the signs of a psycho girl. If she knows your schedule better than you do, you have a problem. No girl should catalogue your bowel movements. If your friends say that “she sucks” and has no friends yet, you find her so amazing and her company mind-altering, please let someone hit you in the head with a sock full of hot nickels. Maybe that will jar some sense into you. You also know you have a problem if she tries to drain the life from your body with needy time every waking hour of the night and worse yet, she makes you sleep on the floor. I can’t give you all the warning signs in a short article so you must, I repeat must, not give into a pretty face that masks a demon behind it. Use your judgment and you’ll be fine.

For arguments sake, let’s say you have been fooled by the devil in disguise and now you are the object of a psycho’s desire. What to do? Short of pressing charges, you are limited to what is legal. Be blunt, dump the girl and wait for the reaction. Buy her a kitten if you have to or tell her that your new girl is built like a Sherman tank and is even more protective. Maybe your psycho-ex will move onto her next prey. If not, then you have to work quickly and efficiently. Lock all your doors, park in well-lit areas, and don’t go anywhere alone. Like a volcano, she could just steam a little or she could destroy everything in her path. Watch your back, they are everywhere!

SHE Said…

The last guy I dated tattooed ‘Maria Always’ on his arm after we dated for only two and a half months. I would say that’s pretty psycho, wouldn’t you?

I’ll admit it, I like to be the center of my guy’s universe (youngest child syndrome) but sometimes enough is enough. And just a note, once you cross into psychoville, there’s no turning back.

It’s hard to know at first when you’ve met the right psycho. He’s cute, he’s funny, he mixes in well with your family and friends, but wait… you have sometimes caught him suspiciously following you to class. Sign # 1: I honestly believe that girlfriends and boyfriends need to live their own separate lives.

In other words, give me my space. Too much of a good thing will soon suck a lot. There is such a thing as ‘me time’ and it works well in relationships. If he wants to be all up in your business, he’s way too obsessive and possesses strong psycho qualities. Be gone!

Sign # 2 is very deceiving, but just as important. He confesses his undying love for you, before you’ve even told your parents about him. Come on, we all know guys’ commitment phobias.

Put two and two together, why would any guy put his heart out to you so soon, unless he was in fact psycho! Don’t be fooled girls; you should know that falling in love isn’t that easy. If he says I love you before you’re ready… peace out Cub Scout!

To me, the worst and most annoying sign-o-psycho is the “oh I didn’t think you’d be here” guy. This boyfriend gets so hurt that you want to hang out with your girls one night, that he just so happens to slyly show up at your favorite hang-out and declare the above quote in his most honest, yet counterfeit tone. Ok buddy, three strikes, take a seat.

I just think you should always remember that any move your guy makes now, is a mere ‘preview of upcoming attractions.’ Oh and in case you were wondering, that tattoo wasn’t permanent.

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