What happens if you try to turn on your computer mid-class and it starts beeping really loudly and even after you close it, it’s still beeping?
Well, in this situation, I would most likely let the computer continue to beep until the entire class and professor turn to look at you — the girl with a closed laptop that won’t stop beeping. Then I would try to laugh it off until the professor kindly advises you that you should take care of the issue at hand. At this point, you’re probably thinking to yourself that you should’ve just slept in, but ultimately decide that your best bet is to leave the classroom.
Now that you’re in the main lobby, you might notice that everyone starts closing their doors because apparently, you’re disrupting their class. Next idea: take the laptop and stick it under the couch until the noise is slightly muffled. Wait for a couple of minutes until you hope the noise has turned off and return back to class. I suggest that you do not open the laptop again until you are in an area where people aren’t alarmed by a loud, repetitive beeping noise. If your phone charger also breaks at the same time as your laptop, well then you should probably go swim far into the ocean.
What happens if you lose your debit card and driver’s license at one time?
If this happens to you, your first thought should definitely not be “How am I going to get into the Grape tonight?” but if it is, your passport is probably somewhere in your car because that’s the kind of person that you have become.
If you lose your debit card, you should immediately call the bank and cancel that card because someone might’ve picked it up and now they might have access to your funds. Of course, your funds might be minimal, but everyone could use five bucks for a coffee. Waiting 13 days to call the bank to get a replacement debit card is not a wise idea because during those 13 days, you will have exceeded your student credit card limit. When you exceed that limit, you are poor.
If you lose your license, remember that the purpose of a license does more than just admit your 21-year-old, unstoppable self into the bar. In fact, you must have your license to operate a car. You might continue to operate your car because you think you are unstoppable and that is a risk you are willing to take. Drive slow, stop running people over and don’t try to use your camera to check your eyeliner.
What happens if you’re at work and spill your salad dressing all over your dress?
A huge mistake was made from the very beginning. Never eat salads. Like I once read in the Bible, “this salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.” If, while picking the cheese off of the salad, you look at a text from your sports editor and you start to feel a cool sensation on your thigh, it’s not the hand of the boyfriend you’ve been looking to find for three years; it’s just your balsamic dressing running in between your legs and all over your dress. Your first reaction should not be to eat another piece of cheese knowing you have to go back to work in 11 minutes, it should be to get a napkin. When you finally get that napkin and make the stain worse by rubbing it with your lemon seltzer water, your face might get red with embarrassment and you wonder why you ate lunch in your car. You then remember that your lunch break was supposed to be used to call the bank about that debit card.
In the heat of the moment, you drive to the Walgreens down the road and run in for a Tide- to-Go pen. You wait patiently in the line as — what feels like — everyone stares at your dress covered in dressing, which makes you even more insecure because not only are they looking at your dress, they’re now probably wondering if you’re pregnant, which reminds you to quit the drinking and go to the gym.
When you get into the car, don’t eat another piece of cheese before using the pen. Immediately dab your entire dress with the pen and speed back to work because your half hour from hell is coming to an end. When you get out of the car, you may realize that the pen was no help to your dress, so pull the large bag from the back of your car and put it in front of you even though your other large bag is already inside.
For the remainder of the day, hide under your desk and avoid your boss at all costs because your outfit looks really, really bad.
What do you do if it’s your first official issue week back to being Editor-in-Chief for The Mirror?
Well, there’s a couple of things to do here. Remember, the town of Fairfield has some really inviting happy hour specials. Five dollar coco-rum rita’s are attractive to someone who may be on the verge of insanity.
Sit in your bed and think about why you decided to take on this responsibility. As the creepiest hours of the night roll around and the wind starts to pick up, your previous thought of a possible ghost in your new beach house may be confirmed. The ghost possibility can go either way. Either you run away or you talk to the ghost about what it’s like to be you. Do not let your new roommates hear you talking to yourself — or the ghost — at 2 a.m. They will think you are weird.
When you finally go to sleep and have a stress dream that all of your teeth fell out, you might not wake up feeling refreshed the following morning. Remember that you are only 21 and life will without-a-doubt get much worse, so smile through the pain as you arrive at work. Sit at your desk and if for some reason one of your section editors texts you and unfortunately has to leave The Mirror due to other commitments, don’t get frazzled.
Start rubbing your eyebrows and decide that really only all of this could happen to you. Think about how you now have to fill a section with information you don’t have and then come up with this column idea.
What do you do if you prepare a well-written email for the first pitch meeting of the year just to find out that only a handful of people come?
Take the time to applaud those people and make sure to give them extra special attention because they might be the only writers that you have for the remainder of the year.
Then, put on your investigator hat and ask if anyone — other than your staff — got the email. If they tell you that they did not get the email and only came because they remembered from last year, press the off-button on your job as Editor-in-Chief and then vote to impeach yourself.
If your staff does not let you impeach yourself, come to terms with the fact that you did not successfully add the 51 new contacts to the new email list and that is the reason only 12 people were at the first meeting. Come to terms with the fact that yes, in fact, there are eight large pizzas in the office for 12 people.
When you’ve come to terms with all of this, decide to email those 51 people and tell them that you messed up the email and you will be having another meeting in 20 minutes. Most people will not come, but three of them might so make a good impression and tell them how incompetent you are and seem fun so that maybe they’ll attribute the screw-up to your bimbo, I mean fun-loving, mindset.
If only three of the 51 make it to the meeting given with 20-minute notice, reschedule the meeting until tomorrow. Always run from your problems.
As you sit on the couch with your head in your hands the aroma of eight large pizzas filling your nose, eat a pizza yourself and then accept a hug from your assistant news editor. Then, go home and start the homework assignment that was due six hours ago. If you find that it’s 2 a.m. and you’re listening to Swimming Pools by Kendrick, turn it off, go to bed and wake up ready to conquer like Kanye.