Whoever invented cell phones should have devised a button to prevent drunk dialing. By activating this button prior to the first round of drinks, it would be permissible to call only one person in your phone book within the imminent 12- hour time period: YOUR RIDE HOME.

The best part about receiving a drunk dial from an inebriated male is that the conversation usually starts out with a toxicity clarification: “Meg, I’m so f*cking wasted!” (Thank you, the slurred speech would have never given it away). Well, Mr. Onetoomany, on my way to clinical in three hours I’ll make sure to return the favor: “Dude, it’s Meg, sorry for waking you but, oh my God, I’m so f*cking sober! Could you imagine?

The difference between men and women who drunk dial is the fact that the majority of women contact past loves, while men contact current flings. By no means does this work out for either party because once the vertigo kicks in and you start thumbing through contacts, you can’t decipher the number between Dominic, your ex-boyfriend, and Dominos. “Megan…I’m not bringing you my cheesy bread”-sh*t, wrong number.

But ladies, we are not innocent in this game, because we actually make the mistake of picking up the phone, thinking the conversation will have a positive outcome. Whether for pure humor or lack of attention, we decide to converse with Mr. Onetoomany, thinking he may have “changed.” Yes, alcohol does change men, and once he is sober he’ll suddenly have amnesia.

If I can pass down one piece of vital advice to the ladies of 2009, it is this: write a professor’s phone number on the class syllabus, and never, under any circumstance, type it into your phone book. After eight semesters and roughly twenty-five different professors, I can assure you that clarification of your term paper topic can wait until Monday morning.

Lastly, remember that nothing virtuous has ever come out of a conversation between the drunk and the sober. The problem is not that we dial, but that we do so outside the college community. Keep in mind that the bank closes at 5 p.m., and your mom assumes you need one thing after midnight: bail money. So, do yourself a favor and put the phone down. When did drunk dialing become more appetizing than the diner at 3 a.m.?

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