Getting dumped is rough (I’m just guessing – it’s never actually happened to me), but sometimes being the dumper can be rougher. If it’s just not working out with your man, here are my top 10 suggestions to ditch your dud.
1. Tell them it’s over then break down yourself. This makes them feel sorry for you like they did something wrong. A few beers before the break-up can help you pull off a more stellar performance.
2. Ask a friend to throw herself on your man at a party so you can catch them in the act and then break up with him for cheating on you. This can be a tricky one and needs to be well-choreographed pre-party. Yes, it’s pretty bitchy, but if you have a Stage Five Clinger on your hands you may need drastic action.
3. Use technology. This may be seen as a chicken’s way out, but why else would God have created the Internet and text messaging if not for the sake of avoiding awkward breakups.
4. Do it through a friend. This is a good one if you dated a hottie that turned out to be a jerk. This way you don’t allow yourself a break up hook-up and cut out all future booty call potential.
5. Make yourself less desirable. My friend Lisette is a master at this one. When she’s no longer interested in her Flavor of the Week, she lets them see her real canned corn eating, snaggle toothed, monstrous self – it never fails.
6. Tell them you’re moving. Then just don’t move and never address the fact that the move never occurred.
7. Facebook. Just remove them from your relationship status – let them find out from their news feed.
8. Get them wasted and tell them they broke up with you when they were drunk and you decided in the morning it was a good idea.
9. Write them a song about how you’re breaking up with them. Any bad news goes down a little easier with a pleasant song and dance.
10. Ask She Said to write it in The Mirror for you – which reminds me: Pete Gillespie, Kaylan says, “It’s been a good run babe, but it’s over.”
Good luck heartbreakers!
Leave a Reply