Stagnation is a satirical paper on campus, be sure to check them out! The Coffee Break Team has posted an article here. Enjoy!


Fairfield University via Instagram

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the last two weeks of classes this semester are being held entirely online. This choice has led to an early emptying-out of campus, and the few students left are describing the local environment as a “safari.” Their words are not an exaggeration. As has been seen in many locations around the world this year, with the decrease in human activity, the presence of nature has grown. In this case, the entire campus has been overrun by turkeys in a span of less than 10 days.


There have been other effects as well. For example, most of the residence halls have been blanketed in ivy with the words “vineyard vines” printed on the leaves. But, inside those same residence halls are even more turkeys. Some of the belligerent birds have even been spotted in Canisius Hall, where they have mockingly imitated Fairfield’s normal functions by pretending to teach and attend classes.


“It’s getting a little weird,” exclaimed senior student Noah Trezellio ‘21, who lingered on campus for a work study and has now been co-opted into the turkey army. His interview was conducted over a chorus of shrieking and squawking turkeys in the background of the Zoom call. 


“I guess we’re changing our mascot now, too,” Trezellio said.


Sadly, as with all other instances of nature returning to the world, this miracle of life is expected to snap back to normal when students arrive in the spring and hit most of the turkeys with their cars.


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