Hello, my name is Molly Lamendola, I’m 21 years old and I’ve never seen the Superbowl. Hello, my name is Madeline West, I’m 20 years old, and I only watch and enjoy the Super Bowl when the New England Patriots (with Tom Brady) are playing. If you asked me who was playing before I turned on my TV my best answer would be blue versus orange.
Thus, we thought “What better way to cover Super Bowl LVI, the Los Angeles Rams vs the Cincinnati Bengals, than by having two people that are so far from experts it’s nearly hilarious, cover the game?” So, without further ado, here’s the incredibly noncomprehensive guide to the Super Bowl and what we were feeling while watching the big game.
Firstly, the game opened with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson yelling into a microphone in red chino pants. Which, first of all, is very camp, but second of all made us think about the Disney classic movie, “The Game Plan.”
Now seemed like a perfectly good time to go help make some dip, pigs in a blanket and make sure the wings that were critically timed and pre-ordered were arriving shortly. This was arguably the highlight of the game.
The Rams then start with the ball, but apparently, the Bengal’s defense is too good and is the reason they made it to the Super Bowl.
Nine minutes in, the commercials start. Though this is a highlight typically, we were quite disappointed in the quality this year. Nothing seemed to stand out and… can they do crypto commercials now? Weird.
The game is back and the ball switches sides and the Bengals seem to be doing a lot better than the Rams.
Do people understand the stats for each player when it pops up on the screen?
Finally, some action when Cooper Kupp is able to do some light running and get the line a bit closer to the touchdown section. Kupp seems to be doing the majority of the work here and the rest of his team seems to be kind of standing around.
A touchdown is finally secured by the Rams by Odell Beckham Jr. just six minutes into the game.
The Bengals then get their chance, but Chris Evans, not Captain America, screws it up and can’t catch it. 34 minutes in and people just keep dropping the ball and running around with it and we’re left to wonder why this is “America’s Sport” and argue about trying to convince Thomas Coppola, Sports Editor, that an article on the cheerleaders would be incredibly more interesting.
Another touchdown comes from the Rams in the second quarter, and it’s slightly more interesting again.
Beckham, the cute one with the pink hair, goes down with a hurt knee and though we can’t know for sure if the Rock said any encouraging words to try and get him back out “Game Plan” style, he was too hurt to return, leaving the Rams in a bad place.
An hour and 48 minutes into the game and Molly’s roommate sat her down to explain the basic rules of football and specifically what a “scrimmage” is, and then Maddy texted in a shared group chat asking if the Rams were the one in orange pants, so we knew we were at a good level of understanding.
And now the moment we have all been waiting for…or at least we have been: the Halftime Show. Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog wearing the dopest sweatsuit of 2022 emerge from a house. Whether or not you like Eminem when ‘Lose Yourself’ came on everyone was brought back to the ‘90s.
Personally, Anderson .Paak on drums was the best part of the halftime show- but now back to the game.
The game starts up again with the Rams (the one in yellow pants) at 13, and the Bengals (orange pants) at 10.
We’re getting kind of tired at this point, but then the Bengals are able to score in just a minute into the second half which gets us back engaged and the score is Bengals 17, Rams 13.
A bit later on, through some other football shenanigans, more points are scored and it’s looking like tough luck for the Rams and it’s Bengals 20, Rams 13.
Then more football shenanigans and the Rams finally inched their way up to 16.
It looks like the game is going to wrap up here with Bengals 20, Rams 16. But oh wait, with just a minute left of the game, the Rams score.
The game ended with a score of 23-20 going to the Rams. Confetti and champagne were popped and families stormed the field.
Joe Burrow and everyone who watched the Super Bowl for Joe Burrow were only left to see him get sacked seven times, which is unfortunate.