He Said: The walk of shame
Posted by Chris Surette at 12:22 pm 972 Comments Print
So after flirting with a young swan at a party, you invite her back to your place and she accepts. The road to pleasure town begins and as Johnny Drama would say, VICTORY! Congrats boys, not only did you get laid, but you have a great story for the rest of your life.
Not only is it a story for you and your boys, but others will soon realize what happened when they see your victim walking back to the dorms in her dress from last night, with a disgraceful look on her face as if she was robbed of her dignity.
But girls, even though many may consider you a slut after witnessing your glorious Walk of Shame, just realize that you have given this lucky guy a story he can share with others at the Grape for the rest of the year. We ought to thank you for that. And hopefully you got something out of this to … actually, we don’t really care.
But in order to achieve success, we need to understand a few tips of advice to become a champ. First and foremost, right when you wake up, get out of there. There is nothing worse than the awkward wake up next to a girl, who is not as hot as you thought she was when you were 12 deep the night before. Not only that, it is kind of embarrassing when you smile at her and call her Julie, when her name is actually Ashley. Plus you don’t want to find out she’s a stage five clinger because that pounding you gave her last night will turn into a pounding headache for you for the next couple of weeks.
Second, even though you might feel like the man for doing it, make sure you don’t raw dog it.
Let’s be real, we are too young to have a little mini-me running around. I would rather enjoy my college years drinking my face off and having to clean my own vomit, than cleaning the vomit of 16 month infant. Also, if you can’t remember her name, there is a very good chance you don’t know much about the broad. Trust me, you don’t want that hood rat giving you a venereal disease. Not because half are not curable, but the next time you try to bang and that little cutie sees that rash around your genitals, she’s going to be running for the fences. Listen guys, gonorrhea is a serious disease. So don’t be a fool and wrap your tool.
Now if you follow these tips, the next time you do work, you’ll have a tale to tell your buds for years. Remember to be ruthless and have no shame.
We are relying on each other for an entertaining story that is both hilarious and humiliating. Just remember one thing; her walk of shame is an induction into your hall of fame.
Great article, 2 years ago
Great article. Very funny. Everyone who got their panties in a bunch needs to relax. Don’t execute the messenger for speaking truth.
Meee, 2 years ago
You are a disgrace to the boston cap. take it off. creep.
Female Fairfield Alum, 2 years ago
This is the most disgusting, degrading thing I have ever read.
fairfield 09 alum, 2 years ago
So i know that the purpose of he said is to be edgy and controversial, but thats not the problem i have with this article. The problem i have is that is it just is not funny in the least bit. Surette is trying too hard to become the next Stansysck, and is failing miserably. There was not one sentence of good writing in this article. Bring back Josh Kenney.
Ed Kuryluk, 2 years ago
Since your site does not allow trackbacks, I thought I would let you know that this post has been referenced at http://heyfairfield.com/2009/10/27/yes-fairfield-is-a-college-town-but-is-that-a-good-thing/
Yes, Fairfield is a college town. But is that a good thing? | HeyFairfield.com, 2 years ago
[...] a warning. This post is offensive and describes date rape. It’s not for the faint of heart. Here is the “He Said” column by Chris Surette. . This is what the universities bring to Fairfield? This is good? It’s not [...]
kim, 2 years ago
Wow, that was the most disgraceful thing i have ever read in my life–and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Really?, 2 years ago
As a longtime Fairfield resident, I can’t help but notice the narcissistic and generally shallow attitudes of the majority of Fairfield college students. This poor attempt at humor futhers my impressions. It blows my mind that this moron would publish what most wold be embarrased to think let alone commit to print. Oh and lose the hat, you give real fans a bad name.
Steve-O, 2 years ago
BORING. The mirror needs to get a new columnist. This guy jumped the shark, no?
UM., 2 years ago
I’m sure your mom is super proud of you, Chris.
Meh, 2 years ago
You can’t see me Chris, but I’m holding up my pinky finger right now. Hate women much?
Tyler Hurst, 2 years ago
There’s a lot wrong with you.
dan, 2 years ago
hahahahahahahhah, congratulations, Chris, you’ve shown us the one thing more sexually repulsive than the venereal diseases with which you’re apparently obsessed.
I came to this article from Gawker, so please, Fairfield folks, if any any ANY woman at your campus pity-**** this guy, let the good people at Gawker know, yea, that his humiliation may continue unabated, forever and ever amen.
phnuggle, 2 years ago
*happy sigh* I love when gawker gets a hold of someone by the neck and won’t let go until they’re the laughingstock of the internet…
LMT, 2 years ago
Zero class, zero redeeming qualities, and look, it will spark a lengthy and costly legal battle. At least Surette is learning these lessons in the sandbox of college and not out in the actual world. Where he will last about a week working for anyone or anything of consequence. Sadly there is no amount of JUG that could fix this guy.
notfat, 2 years ago
Illgh. You’re fat. You don’t get laid. So stop pretending!
phnuggle, 2 years ago
well, THIS is going to be awkward to explain to the female (or male, for that matter) HR person who googles your name to see if you’d be a suitable member of their staff…
agreed, 2 years ago
That’s what I was thinking. Maybe the kid has family money… surely nobody’s ever going to respond to his resume after this internet sensation.
Tony P., 2 years ago
First paragraph references Entourage, you gotta be ignorant to think that show is good.
k, 2 years ago
You are repulsive in every sense of the word.
OLDSCHOOLJOURNO, 2 years ago
This is the most disgusting dreck I’ve read in more than 35 years of journalism. This column never should have gotten past the editors. If this was an attempt at humor, it fails embarrassingly. If this was an attempt at cutting edge, it is pitifully lame. The school should pull the funds from this rag and not restore them until the paper reorganizes with new leadership and some serious adult supervision.
Not your mom, 2 years ago
I hope that this column and the resultant publicity ensure that you never get laid again during your college years. If you ever have, that is, which looks doubtful to me.
I also hope that this gets googled often enough that a hiring manager has it come up in the number one slot when they go looking for you online.
I hope even more that you have to keep interviewing with female managers, bubba.
Harr, 2 years ago
How does a fat pasty slob like this even get laid in the first place? Imagine what he’s able to bring home (if anything in reality) looking like One Hundred Years of White Inbreeding. Walk of shame is right if you get drunk enough to end up with a lardass d-bag like this. I bet he can only go 4-deep if he tries really hard.
Amy1234, 2 years ago
There is no way you have ever gotten a chick to sleep with you…and if you have, it’s her that will be embarrassed to admit it. I mean look at you. yikes.
Cara, 2 years ago
Out of curiosity…do girls actually sleep with you? Or did you conjure up this article from a fantasy?
EdtheGent, 2 years ago
I don’t even think this is good enough for Maxim… or Nuts. You would bore the bejesus out of even the most devoted of Hustler readers. Way to shoot yourself in the foot, mate. Enjoy a long life of wanking.
Collins, 2 years ago
Ha ha. Doesn’t seem like such a good idea now, does it, Tubby?
Andrew, 2 years ago
This could not have been worse. Pathetic from beginning to end.
Can’t wait until you send your daughters off to college.
Jacqueline, 2 years ago
I think I speak for everyone who’s read this, Chris, when I implore you PLEASE to raw-dog it, not just the next time you’re pounding a chick, but every time (and you do have sex a lot, right? That’s the impression I got from the article at least). We need more guys like you in this sad, often humorless world, Chris, so let your “mini-mes” flow!
Just kidding, it would probably be better if you got yourself a vasectomy. And some remedial grammar lessons. Kisses!
Eric, 2 years ago
This column is now the fifth link that comes up on a “chris surette” Google search, and the first link that goes to an article by you. Best of luck getting a job. You may want to start using your middle name.
Tahmee from Quinzee, 2 years ago
Entourage Reference? Check
Poor man’s Tucker Max brand of humor? Check
Ignorance about these here interwebs? Check
Chris, do you happen to pop your collars? Use axe body spray? Say things and act the way you think will gain you acceptance?
In your retraction make sure you cite irony, sarcasm, and satire and note that your writing is far above everyone who “doesn’t get it”. Tell yourself its no big deal.
Man, I feel embarrassed for you. Good luck finding support on this one.
Athousandgrams, 2 years ago
1. Atrocious sentiments and exchange.
2. At least you’re a terrible writer.
3. GO YANKEES.
Brandy Wallace, 2 years ago
You do realize you lack the talent to pull off this KSK Tommy from Quinzee-esq rip off right? If you were trying to be funny, you failed miserably. Or are you really this big of a tool as that hat leads me to believe?
LastWomanOnEarth, 2 years ago
You are the reason I’m a lesbian.
wyoming, 2 years ago
I guess I’m not allowed to leave a comment that just says “THIS!”, because the Fairfield Mirror deems it too short (attempting to create actual dialogue? I dunno).
Let’s hope this longer version makes it through.
Because, seriously? Despite my general attraction to men (as well as women), and my lack of moral outrage when it comes to one-night stands or “friends with benefits” or whatever, I know that lurking behind that seemingly nice, fun-to-do-naughty-things-with facade could be THIS GUY, or someone who thinks like THIS GUY, who is going to go immediately to his friends after we “do it” to talk about all my flaws, and how awesome HE is in bed while I am completely worthless, and LOL I JUST BANGED A LESBIAN AREN’T I AWESOME, etc, etc, etc.
It makes my skin crawl. I had hoped that once I reached my 20s dudez would no longer be like this, but I guess college doesn’t actually foster any more maturity than high school. So.
Lesbianism ftw!
cool story, bro, 2 years ago
You and the so-called tips you espouse in this lovely little piece are positively revolting.
Kehl Lutz, 2 years ago
Just one glance at his photograph should relay all of necessary experiential information he may have in this field. It is unfortunate that people like him still exist in society because this kind of mindset represents something so backward and repulsive as to not merit comment excepting for its sheer absurdity. ‘The Walk of Shame,’ ended up being a more than an apropos title. Enjoy.
Matt, 2 years ago
Chris don’t let the naysayers get to you. I think this is hilarious. And mostly true (which is the only reason it’s getting such a reaction!
John, 2 years ago
This is what you get, america, when things like Entourage and Bill Simmons columns infect the populace.
Fairfiled_U_Moron, 2 years ago
Are you insane Mr. Surette?
Where do you think you will end up working at?
Al Goldstein’s Screw Magazine?
BT, 2 years ago
As someone who works in corporate sales, I’m sure the companies whose banner ads pop up on the same page as this article are pretty psyched.
Sarah, 2 years ago
One word: Fail.
boogers, 2 years ago
great advice, thanks.
scott, 2 years ago
I think people are taking this a bit too seriously. Chillax.
berbalerbs, 2 years ago
if you noticed, no one’s really outraged, just sorta in disbelief that something this bad actually exists, so it’s not that anyone’s “taking this too seriously”…oh, and you used the word “chillax.” I can actually smell the Axe Body Spray through my computer screen.
Molly, 2 years ago
yeah i think it’s less ‘taking it too seriously’ and more ‘ummm wtf? people actually still think this? people UNDER the age of 70 and who attend college? um…ok!’
i’m a “slut” by this article’s definition. i love sex. and ive never felt ashamed or embarrassed by it. i’m not taking the issue too seriously, i was just totally unaware that i had to hate myself for liking sex!
Drzlecuti, 2 years ago
If this was an attempt at satire, no one can tell, so take a remedial writing class. If it was straight up, it’s just plain stupid. I hope you realize many of your future potential employers will probably see this.
BTW, I live in the Midwest and found this on a message board that is completely unrelated to Fairfield, so they’re probably reading it all over. Maybe you’ll make Drudge!
J. Alfred, 2 years ago
It’s satire, idiots. Half-assedly written satire, yes, but still satire.
The only thing you should be mad about is the fact that there are people that actually do this kind of shit, not that there is someone willing to parody it.
Dave H, 2 years ago
I’m not going to bother to read all the comments, but I can’t believe that in the age of the Internet and Google and the Internet Archive, that you’re writing this column under your actual name. If you ever hope to get a job working around women, you might want to change your name.
EK, 2 years ago
Congratulations, Chris. Your disgusting, degrading, pathetic attempt at writing has caused something I’ve never seen before – A comment thread on the Internet that doesn’t break into a fight.
Every single post is about your idiocy and failure as human being. I commend you for that. And at the same time hope you never write another word. The world will be better off for it.
Kevin, 2 years ago
I mean… not only is this not funny, but the author literally took every cliche thing that Hollywood and girlie magazines think that guys actually say or do and just tried desperately to find a way to fit it in, whether or not it made sense in context.
1. Pleasure town. Anchorman.
2. Entourage. Most obvious quote ever. Wow, you’re cool, you watch Entourage! (I like Entourage. But no one can take Johnny Drama’s quotes)
3. 12 deep. I’ll buy that you’re BoSox-loving self can actually drink 12 beers without going into a coma when I see a unicorn with butterfly wings sodomize a castrated Care Bear.
4. Wow, you can’t remember her name! Because you were so wasted! Only what people fail to tell you is that this rarely, if ever, happens. Sure, it’s mildly entertaining when you see it for the first time on some stupid TV show, but this is so overused, it’s getting sad.
5. Stage-5 clinger. Wedding Crashers. Congratulations, you’ve watched every guy comedy from the last few years. You win.
6. Raw dog. My friends and I are filthy. We don’t say raw dog, because it’s fucking lame and uncreative. There’s literally thousands of ways to say you’re not wearing a condom, and you took the easiest, and cheesiest, one. Well played.
7. Mini-Me. I don’t even have to say it.
8. “cleaning the vomit of 16 month infant.” You’re missing something in that phrase, chief.
9. Broad. This is the 21st Century. No one under the age of 75 has called a woman a broad in decades. Now you’re just trying to be obnoxious and trolling.
10. Hood rat. This actually makes no sense in this context. Unless you go patrolling for nasty-ass ghetto skanks from the gutter. Then it’s perfectly appropriate.
11. Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool. Wow, this was funny to say in, what, middle school? You’re hilarious with your outdated, stolen material that you pirated from material that everyone’s familiar with. You must be a blast at parties. I bet that reels the ladies right in.
12. Do work. Tool.
13. Buds. What, was the word “buddies” too long for you to type? Because, in all of my days, no one that I commonly associate with has ever used the word “buds.” Now I’m starting to think this article was written by a 60-year-old trying to sound like a college kid.
In conclusion… well… you fail.
Note: I don’t find this material degrading or offensive. Women generally are whores. But this articles is offensively unfunny, and degrading to good, decent writing.
deadspinner, 2 years ago
kevin- 5 stars. pretty funny stuff and a great beatdown.
wish I could’ve given 5 stars to the original article but you’re right- it was devoid of any thought.
Chris, I used to write for my school paper (UMaryland) and thankfully although I had some controversial pieces – be they political or whatever- I never published something so stupid.
The fact that you felt the need to wear a baseball hat in your bio picture says it all. Regardless of the team. It’s a douche move. Only thing worse was that you probably were wearing it backwards but turned it around for the photo to show everyone you love the Sawx.
Congrats- in the age of the internet for the next 20 years any job you apply for is going to google your name and find this.
Way to go!!!
Alumni, 2 years ago
you wasted way to much of your time making this list.. its an article……. get over it.
Renny, 2 years ago
http://tigerbeatdown.com/?p=580#comments
Renny, 2 years ago
@”Kevin”
Your beatdown was going ok until you called most women ‘whores’.
Um. Cool. You seemed a tad cool at the start of your comment and then turned out to be another old-fashioned dude 50 years behind his time with a tiny and tired old lexicon of stereotypes to match. So what else is new?!
One of the most amusing things about modern-day ‘omfg dude I totally slammed that wasted chick last night’ sexist guys is that they are all the embodiment of youth and coolness, what with their binge drinking and propensity to degrade ‘sluts’ and…wait. A drunken misogynist? I just described my Grandpa.
But anyway, thanks to both of you, “Kevin” and Pudgy Baseball Cap Dude. You have helped me heaps. Because I’m a chick. And I love sex. So I was totally unaware that I had to feel ashamed about it. Thankyou for pointing this out!
Next time I’m sauntering home feeling satisfied after a night of totally blissful sex I will be sure to remind myself that – Wait. I am a woman! Women don’t enjoy sex. That would be disgusting. Because this is the 1950s and I’m a lady and I have a reputation to uphold and if I ever want Gilbert Greenwood to propose to me at the spring ball I must remain chaste and virtuous.
Oh. Except that it’s not the 1950s and all the modern and non-douchey people among us tend to have realized this? Except you? Maybe look into catching up a couple of decades. And also meeting a real woman.
Billy Madison, 2 years ago
Mr. Surette,
What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Eric Gordon, 2 years ago
This is truth. Deadspin represent.
Kathryn, 2 years ago
I hope someone makes you feel like a total piece of crap someday, just like you have clearly made some women feel like crap.
Your parents/whoever reared you clearly didn’t raise a person with any kind of consideration for other people … and that’s just what these women that you’re totally degrading are … PEOPLE. Not dogs, or pieces of trash, or funny fodder for your article.
I can’t believe that drivel like this is being published. It’s not funny, and it doesn’t constitute any kind of contribution to society. As a feminist, I refrain from bashing guys because I don’t think it makes sense to disparage others.
Maybe one day you’ll overcome your outdated and disgusting ideas about women; if not, I pray for the ones who stumble upon you.
P.S. … Fairfield Mirror … thanks for setting our society back into the 50s by publishing this worthless excuse for an editorial. You’re really professional.