Welcome to Fairfield. Now transfer.
I’m only kidding, but here are a few suggestions to have a successful and scandalous freshman year. Now that Fairfield has eliminated the party scene on campus, you will most likely find yourselves stranded on the corner of Reef Road, waiting for a cab that says twenty minutes, but means two hours, if you’re lucky.
If you’re smart enough, you’ll have the know-how to woo your favorite cab driver with a little Espanol, guaranteeing yourself an off-duty cab ride for the rest of the year. For those of you that travel to the townhouse boonies for a good time, good job. You have successfully entered a loser party.
When you check your 5,000 pictures entitled “COLLEGE” the next morning, you’ll be sure to regret being the party’s paparazzi. Don’t you wish you still had your drunk goggles on? Cute outfit, but a red Fairfield t-shirt is just not appropriate going out attire, regardless of the ambitious “Fairfield Fridays” attempt.
Watch out for Barone. Walking up to the buffet line four times on Saturday morning may be exciting, after all its always good to be seen. You’ll soon learn that it’s a minefield of blackout hookups. After a while, paranoia will set in and so will the extra pounds. Fat chance you’ll be hooking up this Friday and all Fridays
after that. If you’re not too fond of the Barone smell or that ridiculous set of stairs on a hangover day, opt for the Stag. FYI, RA’s have $600 dining dollars, so start making friends.
Speaking of friends, not one in your first week’s Facebook album will be your friend, or sadly even acknowledge you, from here-on out. It’s not that you are a loser or anything, you’re just not Fairfield.
So get on board, put on your Jack Rogers, and zip up your Patagonia; if all else fails, buy your friends with late-night Dominos. If you’re still not a hot commodity in the friend market, just join the business school.
Our last bit of advice for you, freshmen girls. If you’re miserable in your forced triple, you may want to start your activism early. Otherwise, say hello to Claver, Dolan and no off-campus housing. Your triple is just the beginning of your Fairfield housing woes. Have a good year.
