Like everyone else in America, a hook-up with a friend took place. Alcohol played a factor. We’re really good friends and the flirting that we always do has taken a different twist.
I didn’t even think my friend found me attractive. But we haven’t talked about it. I’m not even sure if he remembers. I really don’t want to talk about it, not because it wasn’t a good experience, but mostly because I like being friends who flirt… not friends with benefits but who like to joke around.
I don’t want things to change and so far they haven’t. So, is it unhealthy or whatnot to not discuss it? Is it something that, uncomfortable as it may be, needs to be brought up. While it’s normal for the majority of college-bound individuals to be involved in such situations, I’m in graduate school and experiencing all of this a bit late in the game.
Why is the notion of friends with benefits such a new phenomenon? Anyway, I appreciate any feedback.
-One night stand, long-time friend
What happened isn’t necessarily unhealthy. There’s that old saying that friends are drawn together because of an attraction, and that eventually at some point one friend will become attracted to the other. While I don’t always buy that (I’ve known one girl literally my entire life without ever having any interest in her beyond a platonic one), the end result is that is many friendships do follow that path.
You two are comfortable with each other, trust each other, get a little tipsy and… well, hook up. You can just not talk about it, or you can talk about it. I don’t think doing one or the other will make any drastic effect. I do recommend talking it out, however, if some sort of awkwardness results. It is not unhealthy to discuss it. It could be unhealthy to not discuss it, or it could just be mutually agreed upon (silently, in this case) to just let it go and move on.
There are only two reasons why one would bring it up: because of uncomfortableness or because of actual attraction that was either revitalized or triggered by the event. And if the latter is even remotely the case, or proves to be the case with time, bringing it up is good, to ensure it’s out on the table and that things can be handled appropriately.
l l l
I’m having a lot of trouble trusting people. I ended four friendships recently because I couldn’t get them to accept me as I was. They were always trying to meddle in my life, doing things behind my back in regards to my personal life that I had requested them not to. I am tired of always being the best friend, the trustworthy one and never being able to rely on anyone. And to add to it, I seem to be paranoid that the friends whom I do really like don’t really like me back.
I have had some friendships that ended just because paths diverted, but are still pleasant to the memory. I don’t understand why I keep attracting people who just want to use me. I want a good life. I am sick and tired of fighting. I see a counselor just to have someone I can trust to talk to. It does make me feel better.
I would like to know what I should do in the future that will prevent me from having to cut friends out of my life. It’s really hard and emotionally draining. I have the gift and curse of being able to love anyone and everyone. What should I do? I am exasperated of always feeling alone in a group of friends. It always seems that they selectively ignore what I say.
-Drained in style
Well, Drained, this isn’t what you want to hear, but there’s no way of preventing situations where you’d have to cut a friend out of your life.
As a friend becomes a closer one, they may become empowered by the closeness and try to do things on your behalf. Others will nag you when you’re doing the wrong thing.
Others will give you advice and let you make your own decision. Some people can tolerate more of one than another, and not every person will act the same way with every friend. Ultimately, it’s a crap shoot.
You can always correct it by ejecting the idiot, like you did. Unforunately, there’s no way of knowing how this will go. Friendships, like relationships and so on, are unknowns. You don’t know what you’re getting into; you don’t know how things will be a day, a month, a year, etc. from now.
As in a potential relationship, you just give it what you can, and hopefully, luck and time are on your side and things work out. If they don’t, it is a loss, but you move on from that a stronger person and you get a slightly better idea of what to watch for and what to avoid. That’s how the game is played; there is no cheaters method or unlock code to a quicker, happier life.
Good luck, and thanks for asking.
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