He Said:

When we were all back in high school, the summer was the pinnacle of our existence. Those short ten weeks were to encompass festivities that never seemed to come to fruition. But now that we are all in college summer vacation never seems to end. After the first month of work, internships, or what have you, the mind inevitably wonders how much nicer it would be to be back at Fairfield.

The summer before college is always rough for incoming freshmen. Notions about college being something out of ‘Animal House’ and ‘American Pie’ leave almost nothing to the imagination. Combine the two: Relieve your stress over the fact that you still have yet to get laid while drinking Natty Light and Dubra in an eight by ten foot concrete bomb shelter. Oh, wait, problem solved.

The concept of the college male freshman is ultimately synonymous with stupidity. Creating Facebook events devoted to underage drinking tournaments, shamelessly taking three minutes to hide their alcohol while a RA pounds incessantly on their door, and puking in any nearest facility, which includes, but is not limited to sinks, urinals and water fountains.

For the sophomores, 1073 North Benson Rd. means the pursuit of freshmen girls. Every new term brings a fresh supply of hot bodies and na’iuml;ve minds. Of course, we should all respect the freshmen ladies because without them, sophomore guys would be reduced to chasing after what underage drinking does in a year’s time, a la the female sophomore.
The junior class will be excited to live in the Townhouses where parties may be broken up by yours truly. Just a friendly reminder – you aren’t allowed to drink outside even if you are of age. And although it may seem tempting to let freshmen girls into your townhouse, it never turns out well.

Life for a senior is perhaps the most lavish as we vacation at the Beach, Apartments and Townhouses without shame. Light class loads and legality make drinking, for the first time, a legitimate affair. It will also make writing this column quite difficult on Sunday afternoons.

Regardless of your class, you should take this year as an opportunity to expand your horizons. While partaking in excessive binge drinking and being a chauvinist pig may look great to a twisted sense of morality, I’m not quite sure it will look good anywhere on a résumé.