Remember back when you were in elementary school there was that spoiled brat who would try to prove he was better than you in all ways?
Either he got more presents from Santa, received a higher grade on his vocabulary test or went on a better summer vacation. Didn’t matter what the topic of conversation was, he was going to look for a way to show you that he was better and cooler in every way possible.
Nine years later, starting out my junior year of college, I still see these jerks. Four out of five people reading this know what I’m talking about. And if you’re that fifth person, you are probably the self-centered moron that I am talking about.
The same rules apply, only in different situations. Your townhouse threw a party where 40 kids showed up? Well, this other kid’s party had 70 kids show.
Finally asked that girl out who you’ve had a crush on since the beginning of the year? Well, this kid just had a threesome.
You just can’t beat this guy. You probably just have to come to the realization that he (or she) should be a God in your eyes.
Or you can remember that this egotistical buffoon will eventually be miserable and die alone. His friends will get sick of his cockiness and stop hanging out with him. He will think he is too damn hot to be a one-woman man. The parties disappear as a result of his friends ditching him, and the girls disappear when they see that he cannot commit. Thus, he stops getting tail.
But that probably won’t happen for another few years, so let him ride on his high horse. Let him think he is cool with his hair gelled straight up four feet high, wearing his bright pink Lacoste polo with the collar popped up.
Congratulate him when he manages to get a freshman to go up to his room and take her pants off. Let him feel good about himself. And when he tells you he decided to skip his biology test to stay in his house and get high, don’t let him know that he is an embarrassment to his family’s name; applaud him and tell him he is “oh so college.”
I almost forgot. When he’s talking about that freshman girl he hooked up with and he tells you that he didn’t wear a condom, tell him he is the master. Don’t tell him about the 30 potential STDs he most likely picked up.
Of course, if you are reading this article now and realize that you are the “one-upper” to whom I’m referring, hopefully you will change your ways.
It’s possible that the “one-upper” who is reading this column doesn’t even see anything wrong with his choice of lifestyle. He might think that I’m a complete tool for writing this and that everyone else around sees him as the ultimate role model; that’s most likely because the ones around you are just like you. No normal person can stand your presence, so you unknowingly resorted to hanging with shallow ignorant people such as yourself.
Maybe this article doesn’t fit your profile exactly, but you know who you are.
So, just in case I didn’t cover all the areas, let me just run down a list here. No one cares how many MySpace friends you have. No one cares how many more comments you have on your Facebook wall.
I don’t care about how much more money you made than me this summer. I don’t care how many celebrity friends you have, and I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass how much faster your car is than mine. Dropping a grand or more on your car to be able to go 160 mph on Post Road isn’t as cool as you make it out to be.
Life isn’t a competition, so stop trying to make it seem like it is. But then again, we go to JCrew U. There’s no changing some of these WASPs.
Leave a Reply