At 9 P.M. on March 26, the Department of Public Safety was sent to Claver Hall after receiving an urgent phone call that a sophomore student had collapsed in a pool of tears on her dorm room floor. When officers arrived, the female student was found in a fetal position whispering to herself, “Dolan or Faber.” According to her roommate, Sophia More ‘20 had just logged into the Housing Directory and started uncontrollably screaming. Officers determined that the student could not even get a Townhouse on 8 block. The student has been rocking back and forth on the floor ever since.

The diagnosis was clear. The student drowning in her tears had contracted Housing Lottery Insanity Syndrome, an incurable disease that has been throwing many rising juniors into an uncontrollable hysteria. This raging epidemic that has been sweeping across sophomore dorms is defined by the Office of Residence Life as, “students being upset over not getting what they want.”

There has yet to be a cure discovered for this awful sickness. However, there are a few activities for the shell of a human being that is left of your roommate. The Health Center suggests screaming into a pillow or buying a pint of ice cream from the Stag Snack Bar. Students are encouraged to use healthy outlets such as attending class or just simply getting a grip.

On another occasion, the Department of Public Safety was called to Kostka Hall after receiving an anonymous tip that a male student had not left his dorm room since last Monday. When officers arrived, Ty Ered ‘20 was found lying face down and unresponsive on the Target-bought rug his mom lovingly picked out.

After searching the room for evidence of the cause of his psychosis, officers were at a complete loss. There were no drugs found in the room, no alcohol or contraband in sight. “We had no idea what we were looking at,” said the first officer on the scene. The report stated that the dorm room was in shambles and there was a foul smell that could have been coming from either an old chicken parmesan sandwich from The Stag or the massive pile of laundry in the corner of the room. Fortnite was playing on the television, and the student’s roommate said he had been up all night playing rather than studying for his accounting exam. “He still hasn’t won a game. What a loser!” said his roommate while shaking his head solemnly.

Paramedics were called to the scene to assess the student for a possible brain hemorrhage. After 85 hours of tireless debate, a conclusion was finally reached. The student’s official diagnosis was Sophomore Slump. This rare and fatal disease can only be contracted by students between the ages of 19 and 20 who have given up the will to graduate college.

All sophomore dorms have been quarantined until further notice. Until grades start to rise again, all sophomore students will be taking their classes online and are not allowed to go home for Easter break.

 

 

Disclaimer: These diseases have been made-up by the Coffee Break team for the enjoyment of readers. Interviews from campus offices have been made up for the creativity of the article. Please do not follow diagnoses mentioned, as they have been fabricated – no real health professional was contacted for this article.

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