It’s nearing the end of October, and once again, Halloween is upon us. The holiday of Halloween is named, of course, after the day’s patron saint, Saint Halloween. It celebrates the day when Saint Halloween drove all of the snakes out of Ireland while freeing the Jews from Egypt. It’s a fact, look it up.
As legend recalls, after Saint Halloween killed Ireland’s last snake, he shouted his famous catch-phrase, “Trick or Treat Suck-a!!!”, and choked the Pharaoh of Egypt with a sleeper hold. The good Saint then proclaimed that his great feats would forever be celebrated on October 31 by eating pounds of candy, throwing eggs at the houses and cars of people you dislike, and girls parading about in skimpy costumes accentuating their womanly parts. This was a proclamation officially made Saint Halloween, the most bad-ass Saint ever (narrowly defeating St. Patrick, who finishes in a close 2nd place, while perennial fee-fee boy St. Valentine comes in 7,893rd place).
As children, Halloween consisted of everything we could ever dream of. We got to stay up late, collect free candy on a door-to-door basis and spray our friends with shaving cream. As we got older, the holiday took on a different course and began to resemble every other holiday as just another excuse to get obliterated and ogle some fine biatches.
This brings me to my next point, where I would like to address specifically the females and their choice in costume this Halloween. With Halloween only a few days away, by now you have likely picked out your slutty (fill in the blank) costume. For those of you still looking for appropriate Halloween attire, here’s my fool-proof formula for creating a female Halloween costume. Ready?
First, answer the following question: Are you a fatty boom-boom? If you answered yes, dress as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and proceed to the final paragraph of this article. Better yet, dress as a planet, you’ve already got the gravitational pull part down. Whatever you do, for the love of God, cover up.
If you answered no, follow these steps. Step one is choosing a profession to dress as (i.e. construction worker, fire woman). Got your profession? If the profession you chose was “prostitute”, congratulations, you’ve got your costume. If not, move on to step two, in which you dress as your chosen profession but integrate some combination of gratuitous cleavage, an ungodly short skirt or pair of shorts, and a stomach bearing midriff. Now you’ll be sure to receive the same uncomfortable stares from guys this Halloween as all the other girls.
So guys, when you see all these fly honeys walking around in clothes that would make Jenna Jameson blush, be sure to thank the great Saint Halloween for decreeing this great holiday. And thank me for my incredible formula. Unfortunately for you all, I’ll be following this same formula when choosing my own costume. TRICK OR TREAT, SUCK-A!
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