I was discussing the content of this article with an unnamed professor of mine earlier this week when he made a very valid point. He told me that the content of the article was no longer insightful. I hold this professor’s opinion in high regard, and I consider him an expert on many subjects, as he is an extremely intelligent man. So intelligent that if he happens to be reading this, he clearly realizes I’m kissing ass for an A in his class right now. So this week, we brainstormed for hours on end to develop a subject for this article that would blow everyone away and incite serious debate.
When that failed, we decided to write about Thanksgiving, some humorous Thanksgiving commentary about what you can expect to see this Turkey Day in the form of a simple timeline:
9:30 a.m. You and your high-school buddies pre-game at your house for your high-school’s Thanksgiving football game.
10:10 a.m. Arriving at the game, you find 3,000 people in the stands, 2,998 of whom you’d rather not see. You ask yourself, “Why am I here again?”
10:12 a.m. Your question is quickly answered when one of your former classmates, still holding on to the glory days in his varsity football lettermen’s jacket, slips in the stands and falls down the bleachers like a drunken avalanche of flailing arms, legs, and, predominantly, stomach fat.
12:30 p.m. Your prestigious high-school football team just lost 70-3 in a nail-biter, not that you really cared in the first place.
2:30 p.m. Time to eat. You arrive at one of your various family members homes (or your own) and find that your parents, aunts, uncles and cousins were kind enough to provide an smorgasbord of both food and booze.
5:45 p.m. Your parents are now double-fisting Budweiser and stumbling about the house.
6:30 p.m. The over/under for uncles passed out at this point in the holiday has been set at two and a half. Take the over.
7:45 p.m. The celebration is over and, big surprise, you have to drive home.
On second thought, maybe this column was insightful. I think I may have found out what the pilgrims had in mind when they named the holiday Thanksgiving.
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