This week, we took a holier than thou approach to describing some of our favorite college personalities. Everyone knows at least one of these sorry buffoons so enjoy pigeonholing your friends into the following personalities. Those jag-offs are probably doing the same to you.
“The Overachiever.” These are the nincompoops that ruin the bell curve on every college exam. They enjoy speaking out in class at every opportunity and will provide an answer for every question a professor asks, rhetorical questions included. “Overachiever,” do everyone else a favor and shut your trap in class, you’re not as smart as you think you are.
“The Jerk.” Everyone is friends with a “Jerk.” Nobody listens to the “The Jerk” because they speak out of their rectal cavity about anything and everything. Need a misquoted line from a classic comedy movie? “The Jerk” will take care of it. Need an incorrect sports statistic? “The Jerk” knows plenty of those. They’ll also end most of their sentences with “son,” “bro,” or “cous,” which they have no business doing since they’re probably a white-boy from the ‘burbs.
“Pete Rose.” This degenerate gambler can be found on any college campus in America. If one of them talks to you about anything other than gambling, it’ll be the first time. This gets annoying, so humor “Pete Rose” by telling him, “Sure, people hit twelve team parlays all the time.” Each “Pete Rose” thinks they’re the next John Anthony when really they are more like Eddie Mush from “A Bronx Tale.” I say put ’em all in the bathroom.
“The HMO’s Nightmare.” This one gets drunk and becomes a one man wrecking crew. Lost on them are the repercussions of kicking or punching through glass. They have yet to learn that their hands aren’t harder than concrete walls, refrigerators, and cars which they think are reasonable to punch.
“The Classy Broad.” This girl swears with the mouth of a sailor, wears sweatpants for every occasion, and probably can’t grasp the concept of hair removal. “Classy Broads” see no problem passing gas in the presence of company from either end of their digestive tract. Get them drunk and they’ll say things that would make the Diceman blush. And while we guys may make fun of a “Classy Broad”, this girl is a champ when it comes to partying and can probably out-drink every single one of us. What’s that? You think “She Said” might be a “Classy Broad”? Hey, you said it, not me.
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