Fairfield University’s campus has become a ghost town since the COVID-19 pandemic caused the administration to move all classes online until the end of March. But in the Tully this week, the picture was even grimmer, as Stagnation reporters slowly realized that all of the food on display had been in storage since March 6.

The culinary carnage witnessed by reporters was nearly unimaginable. The pizzas had shriveled to unrecognizable leathery discs under the heat lamps and the salad bar had become a primordial jungle with several new species of single-celled life, redefining the term “culture cuisine.” The french fries had fossilized, the broccoli rabe had liquefied and the grilled chicken had gotten up and left. In fact, the only edible food within reach was the ice cream, of which our reporter carried out an entire tub to eat by himself in a corner in order to cope with the horror.

Tully worker Pepe Innocent later responded to reporters from seven feet away, “I really hope the students show up soon, because Sodexo needs us to clear out our inventory before we get more. March 29, you said?”

Stagnation reporters capped off the afternoon by playing disc golf on campus with the petrified rocks, formerly known as Tully cookies.

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