Fairfield University has many perks. Below, we have outlined just a few of the countless benefits of attending this institution (in no particular order). Please note, this is for entertainment purposes only and is not meant to be taken seriously.
1. The constantly failing internet connection. Need we say more? As if we don’t feel disconnected from the rest of the world already in the “Fairfield Bubble.” MzLoU3 has signed off at 11:33:42 p.m.
2.The Stag’s super-convenient hours. Because we all know that students are never hungry past midnight on weeknights and 1 a.m. on weekends. Similarly, it makes a lot of sense that the coffee café, Jazzman’s, should close earliest. Who needs coffee late at night? Oh right, students.
3.The incredibly over-chlorinated water. We love when people compare Fairfield to a country club. Does the water at a country club kill your pet fish? At least we always feel clean after a shower – and not just clean, sterilized. The alluring swimming pool scent our skin takes on after showers is better than any perfume. We also enjoy feeling that young and fresh feeling, and by young and fresh, we mean constantly breaking out like a prepubescent adolescent due to the incredibly potent water. Has anyone seen our Speedo goggles?
4. The zamboni that polishes the sidewalks. Someone please tell us that’s not where our precious tuition dollars are being spent. Another attempt to mask the inadequacies of the inner-workings of the school by making the campus appear functional? We’d say so.
5. Lines at the gym. It’s almost like being at an amusement park, only we’re not having any fun. There should be an elaborate rope system that winds around the gym so that someone’s done with the machine by the time you get to the front of the maze.
6. Wind tunnels, especially those near Gonzaga and Jogues. We like the arctic adventure feel we get as we’re struggling against the overwhelming gusts to make it back to the dorm. Next time we may not be so lucky. We wish we had sails attached to our book bags so we can harness the energy.
7. The stunning over-abundance of parking. Coupled with the overabundance of cars. Make like High School and assign them. At least then we’d always have a spot.
8. The Dattco bus, and its constant presence in front of our cars. Getting stuck behind it at any point on campus is comparable to being forced to watch the cinematic disaster known as Pootie Tang in slow motion. We love that we can hear the breaks from anywhere on campus. We also are thrilled that they painted our logo on the buses, because sometimes while riding from Dolan to main campus, we forget what school we go to.
9.The hospital-style curtains with which Fairfield generously provides us. Who needs shade when you can sleep with something close to cellophane hanging from the window? The greenhouse effect it has on my room spices up the place. Transparent white is the perfect compliment to institutional style tiling and cinderblock walls.
10.The grease stench that sticks to your clothes after eating in the cafeteria. We were actually at a loss here and almost out of ideas, but then we leaned down and took a whiff of our sleeves. As much as we love the Eau de Barone, rooms should come with outdoor clothes lines to air out post-dining hall clothing. And wool sweaters? Forget about it; they’ll smell like fries for life.
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