by Chris Zeitz
My topic for this week was senioritis. But I am so apathetic right now, I can’t even write about senioritis. So, I’ll write about intramural softball. Yet it should be noted that softball can teach us something concerning college life.
So, to take a page from those absurd Wachovia commercials-that compare financial planners to reputable diners -What can intramural softball teach you about the last few days of your senior year?
You only need to work hard for a couple of hours. The rest of the time you can sit on a couch.
Arguably, there is no better intramural softball team than the Cheap Shots, according to the Cheap Shots. Therefore, these are the guys to ask about the sport of Sunday afternoons.
They play solid defense with a lethal 4-6-3 doubleplay combination, featuring Paul Swartz ’04, James Hays ’04 and Mike Lesnik ’04 respectively.
Lesnik said of Hays: “He will lay out like a snake in the sun if that is what the play necessitates.”
This shall be our first great lesson; put it all on the line at least for a few minutes. Swartz will run on the bases like a mad-crazed fiend. He will sacrifice his well-being to put a runner in scoring position. So, even if you are terribly hung-over and did not study for that final, at least go to the test.
Woody Allen once said that 90 percent of life was just showing up. Well, as far as finals go, you can expect about 55 percent for just showing up. As seniors, we have been in classrooms for a decade and a half-we can probably spin some marvelous bullshit that will at least let us walk in late May.
The Cheap Shots also hit the ball for power and average.
“We just hit the ball where they ain’t,” said Kevin Bott ’04.
Slugging percentage in intramural softball can be included on most corporate résumés. In fact, Hays told a story about a recent interview. At the conclusion of the meeting, he leaned in with a shifty look in his eye and told one of the suits that he played high school baseball and was currently in a softball league.
According to Hays, the assistant to the executive assistant for human resources looked pleased and casually mentioned a softball league that needed some help in the infield.
A strong throwing arm, fielding fundamentals and a lively bat can mean big things in the corporate world. It is probably more advantageous than an MBA and second only to being a scratch-golfer on the vice president’s best-ball team.
This is why the majority of the players in the Cheap Shots believe they will find easy employment in Fortune 500 companies. Only Bott has declined this career path, deciding instead to join the Wayne New Jersey fire/police department team as a ringer.
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