HE said:

What a joke of a holiday. At least on Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas we get to dominate food. Why do we even celebrate Columbus Day? Is it because he drove away the Native Americans quicker and more effectively than the U.S. government could? Either way, he did get us a day off by being the captain of the Santa Maria. Not that we needed an excuse to party, but we should have celebrated his accomplishment by setting sail with a different captain.

I’m sure you went to your high school’s homecoming football game and had to remind everyone there that you go to Fairfield and that it is in Connecticut. You said you love school and they were thinking that you enjoy being on your own. What you were really thinking was the funnel you constructed, your beer belly and all the girls you’ve made out with at the Squirrel.

The homecoming king/quarterback finally realized that the world doesn’t revolve around him but still sports his letterman jacket. Now everyone knows he sucks because he’s plays D-III and he’s fourth string.

You still aren’t of legal tender, so you went to Billy’s basement/garage like old times. You sat around and exchanged terrible fake IDs and exaggerated stories. Bill Brasky from SNL couldn’t pull off the things kids say they’ve done.

If you weren’t lying to your girlfriend about being faithful, then you were trying to score with the girl you used to hook up with. Think about it. If you were getting with her in high school, imagine how many guys have gotten with her in college.

How about the kid who goes to school in Long Island and came home rockin’ Armani Exchange and French Connection apparel? You go there, you aren’t from there.

Speaking of different things coming out of the closet, you may have found that one of your friends was just having late night talks with all those girls and actually prefers to hit from the other side of the plate.

There’s also the kid who’s making the most of his meal plan, looking like he has his Michelin Man Halloween costume on a few weeks early.

The one thing you should have learned this weekend is that everyone else can go, but you should never leave this place.