Back in high school I did not know too much about females. I’ll be honest, I was interested in a bunch of girls; I just didn’t want to take the time to put up with their crap.
In college I had the privilege of meeting a countless number of girls my age, and I have come to many conclusions about them. Here is what I’ve learned about the opposite sex in my brief time at Fairfield.
There is no adequate response to give a female when she tells you that she is fat. Even if you honestly believe that she isn’t fat, you can not tell her this without her calling you a liar. I have found that the best thing to do when presented with this awkward situation is to fall down on the ground and pretend to be dead.
Girls never say what they actually mean. If you’re at a party and you ask an attractive girl if she wants to come over and watch a movie and she says yes, then “yes” is code for “I want you to take off my shirt.” If she says “no” and stops talking to you for the rest of the night, then “no” is code for “I am a lesbian.”
Women are just as horny as men. When I discovered masturbation in middle school it puzzled me to think that women couldn’t have that much fun with themselves. After a few conversations with some of my more open female friends about double-clicking the mouse, I learned that I was dead wrong.
Women like to have sex for more than two minutes. When you are unable to perform for a long time and a girl says, “Oh, don’t worry about it,” she actually means “You are pathetic. Tomorrow I am going to tell everyone about your inadequacy.”
Girls smell nice. Although that statement is not very profound, it proves itself true every time I wake up in a girl’s room. It’s refreshing to get away from the familiar stench of mildew and cigarettes.
I’ve learned a lot more, too, but unfortunately my column is limited to 450 words. I’ve got about 30 of them left, so I’d like to use them to say thank you to Chris Zeitz and The Mirror for providing me with the opportunity to do something that I truly enjoy.
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