Happy Holidays everybody. ‘Tis the season for giving, so let us all gather around Lantern Point and give each other cold sores and the flu as we share beruit cups, bowls, cigarettes and eggnog at those wonderful semester-culminating events known as Christmas parties.
Think about it, is it possible to celebrate Jesus’ birthday in any more appropriate way than chugging half a handle of spiced rum, puking in a snow bank, and waking up next to a complete stranger? I think not. In fact I can come up with two irrefutable reasons as to why Christmas parties are a necessity for college students.
The best reason to have a party is that exam time is stressful. It is a little known fact that teachers meet before the semester to plan their syllabi with the sole purpose of making our lives hell. Little of your semester work is due sporadically before Thanksgiving just as a tease, with the other 80 percent all being due on the same day.
More annoying than exams are final projects. If you don’t want to study for a traditional exam you can take the test “guns-blazing” and be done with it. You’ve merely wasted two hours out of your day whereas 50-page final papers require a lot more time spent in the library, at Jazzman’s, and pestering your friend with ADD for a little help from his medicine cabinet.
The ideal solution to relieving some of the misery is to pack 100 people into a house the night before a reading day and provide them with hard alcohol. Since these hundred people are so worked up about exams, none of them will have any concept of social drinking, and your house will be destroyed.
The second reason to have a Christmas party is that everyone looks good dressed up. My astute housemate once observed that chicks are so much hotter when they are adorned in formal attire. Mildly-attractive girls look good, good-looking girls look hot, and hot girls look too gorgeous to even bother talking to. Guys have an advantage as well. I’m sure all of us look good to a drunk girl when were dressed in something besides jeans that haven’t seen a washing machine since we took the tags off them.
So go ahead, be as merry as you can be. Make your invite lists, stock up on booze, and trash your house. It’s the Fairfield way. By the way, cleaning up the cups and cigarette butts won’t take long, but making fun of your housemate for who you caught them under the mistletoe with will last forever.
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