HE SAID: Guess how many boobs I saw today? Spring Break ’04

Dear Mom, God, and citizens of Nassau:

Chances are I am going to misbehave next week over spring break. I’m not sorry at all about it either.

Instead, I’m going to lay it all out on the table now so no one is surprised about what I do during these upcoming seven days.

I will enter and win a wet boxer contest. I was chewed up, spit out and booed off stage last year by a bunch of women at Tequila Frog’s, and it has only heightened my desire to pursue a career in exotic dancing.

I will upper-deck a toilet. The first one of my buddies that uses a Sharpie to sketch anything phallic on my face will receive swift and pungent retaliation in their hotel room.

I will not attempt to procure drugs from cab drivers nor will I start any fights. I am really scared of the idea of going to prison and having a bunch of giant Baha men let the dogs out on my virgin American behind.

I will forget every girl’s name that I meet within 30 seconds of meeting her.

I will not be concerned with names on this trip; I will focus solely on how hard the girl has been working in the gym over the winter.

I will use the phrase “Dude, I’m so wasted” over 10 times a day. Not because I lack a sizeable vocabulary, but because I really am that wasted.

I will only answer to the aliases Sven, Serge, Carl Hungus, Turd Ferguson and Sugarpants. The only people who shall call me Eric are customs agents.

In the event that a blind, stupid chick wants to talk to me, she will be wooed by my boyish good looks, my sharp wit, my story of being related to Colin Farrell and the fact that I am a Navy Seal.

Then she will obviously take me home. However, to avoid an awkward morning after, as soon as I’m done I will run out of the room so fast that it will appear that I have put a hole in the wall much like the Kool-Aid Man did in the 80s television commercials (Oh Yeah!)

I will say goodbye to any aspirations of working on Capitol Hill.

When I am the sole witness to my friend hooking up with an ugly girl I will promise him that I won’t tell anyone. Half an hour later I will laugh as I break that promise.

Half an hour after that I will go hit on that same girl.

Finally, I will return from this fantasy week with one sandal, two dollars, three pairs of size XXXL granny panties and no dignity.

Love, Sugarpants