HE SAID: Keeping up appearances in Fairfield

It is safe to say that everyone our age has some issues with body image.

Advertisers exploit this human preoccupation with appearance by attempting to sell us a myriad of products that are designed to transform our natural look.

Did you ever notice Cosmo and Maxim don’t advertise anything to enhance your intelligence or personality?

Males

Hair Products – Your current hairstyle sucks. No girl will ever want to sleep with you with your Lloyd Christmas haircut. Spend $20 on gel and $30 on highlights so that you look like less of a weiner.

Weight Gain Products – You are so skinny. You could never get women with that scrawny physique. Buy our product, otherwise you won’t even be able to get laid in a morgue.

Male Enhancement Products – Your two and a half inches is not going to cut it. You may have big muscles, but it is obvious our Lord has a sense of humor.

Females

Clothing – Buy our expensive brand name because otherwise your girlfriends will think you are poor. Looking ridiculous (Ugg boots with a miniskirt) is a lot better that appearing to be poor.

Skin Products – Your oily, pasty skin is hideous. Quick, go give yourself skin cancer at eight dollars a session so people can tell you how great your tan looks in January.

Weight Loss Products – You obviously look a lot more like the before picture than the after picture in this advertisement. Eat as much as you want, don’t exercise, drink like a lush, just buy our product at $50 a bottle. Losing 10 pounds the wrong way is definitely worth doing long-term damage to your heart.

Gentlemen, in all seriousness you don’t even need good looks or a good physique to get a girl, all you need is game. Even if you lack that, remember: even the blindest of squirrels eventually finds a nut.

Ladies, if you are carrying an extra dozen pounds, chances are guys don’t care. We have seen enough rap videos in our time to worship women of all shapes.

Buy all the products you want, but deep down try to be content with what God gave you. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.