Ahh the morning after. It can either be as awkward as possible, or you can thrive. When you wake up, roll over and say, “Who are you?” you know you either settled for a wildabeast to break out of a slump or it was $1 pitcher night at the bar. Every guy gets that one-track mind where he’ll do anything to get some and, unfortunately, alcohol makes wayyy too many females doable.
You know the type, better known as “the six pack,” where you wouldn’t do it sober, but once you slug a few you can’t keep your paws off her.
The worst is the chunky girl with huge knockers or, as I like to call them, Heffers (yes, from Rocko’s Modern Life). Doesn’t it seem as though almost all overweight women are incredibly well endowed? It’s gotta just be the fat, right? Anyway, these jumblies blind our little man’s only eye, and he can’t see all those pounds she’s packing elsewhere. Don’t worry guys, you gotta slay a few dragons to get to the princess.
Freshmen: Sleeping on an all-girl floor can be a recipe for disaster. And that recipe is what you left brewing in your stomach all night because you were in bed with a girl. Get out of there before your mental ticker starts counting down the seconds until the Hershey Factory opens.
Sophomores: I think the term “walk of shame” was named for the walk from Kostka to Jogues. Whatever you do, don’t cut through the BCC. It seems tempting, but not even Angel the maintenance man can clean you up in time where you wouldn’t get noticed.
Juniors: If you get with a girl on a futon, don’t pretend you are still asleep when a housemate comes downstairs for breakfast. Say “good morning” and toss him the remote that was lying on your sack.
Seniors: If you don’t live at the Point, you better bring your road jerseys with you. You’re going to have a heavy dose of away games.
For the rest of you who haven’t experienced the awkward hookup yet, it’s only the second week of school. You probably know your roommates’ schedule better than you know your own, so you can have some solo study time with your right-handed tutor.
That’s all for now … my roommate has history until 3:15.
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